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Crazy Cycle, Rest, Stillness, Uncategorized

Ain’t you Tired?

I’ve learned the quickest way to freak my husband out is to rest.  He doesn’t completely understand the concept.  He can power nap with the best of them, but literally hops up, pulls his boots on and heads out the door in search of something to fix or do, sometimes just having to settle for watering plants.  This is not a passive aggressive complaint.  I truly love that he is a doer and that nothing stays broken or half way done at our house.  Most of the time I celebrate him by throwing a chore of my own at his feet, in hopes he will pick it up out of curiosity and complete it.  This method of my madness usually works, especially when I add a sweet smile. Thank goodness for people like Chadwick.

I need rest. I need restoration and recharging.  I’ve learned that stillness is it’s own adventure.  All lessons learned on the dusty road called Exhaustion.

I was chatting with a wise friend recently, kinda (100% completely) complaining about a situation.  Before I knew it, I was rolling around in my ego and explaining to her everything I had done for… blah, blah, blah.  Everything I was sharing was facts, I had gone completely extra on something that no one had asked me to do.  I did it out of my old people-pleasing-Enneagram-2-ways, and found myself feeling bitter when it wasn’t appreciated or the same thoughtfulness was reciprocated.

After affirming my effort, in the most gentle voice she said, “Brooke, why don’t you just…. stop?”.

It silenced me into a defeated, “I know.”

Because I do know.  I know all too well how working away at something that is one sided always leaves you lopsided.  Traveling in a circle that has no exit.  Living lopsided doesn’t seem very balanced.  Call me OCD.

“Ain’t you tired Miss Hilly? Ain’t you tired?”

A favorite quote from the book and movie “The Help”.  I’d like to think I’m not quite on Miss Hilly’s level of jerkiness, but truth is, I probably am – just in my own way.  Regardless, yes is the answer.  Yes, I am tired.

Isn’t it incredible what a good night sleep does for our physical and mental state?   Ask a new mom, or a mom of teenagers who drive.

Here is what I want you to hear today…

You have permission to stop, and no one will call you a quitter.

You have permission to rest, and no one will call you lazy.

To be clear, “no one” is defined by your people.

Your bury-the-body friends will never judge your rest.  Because they know it is necessary for your heart and mind.  They want this for you.  They also know there will be a lot more bodies for them to help bury if they don’t let you rest. (hypothetically speaking)

Even trees rest.  They don’t even have to be told to in a blog post.  During the winter, they send all their energy into their roots to nourish, restore, and get ready for spring.  Sometimes rest is a nap, other times it is a mental break – but the best recharging is always intentional.  Don’t forget to turn your brain off for rest time.

In a recent (8 months ago) yoga class, we were instructed to not “dump down into our ankles and hands”.  Instead our movements needed to focus on lifting.   Rising up.

Isn’t life so much about intention?   Our hands and ankles can only move in certain ways – but with a specific intention of movement and energy, they can hold our weight while rising.

When I don’t make some form of rest a priority, I end up dumping down into more things than just my ankles and hands – my relationships, health, work….all things suffer.  When we rest, we are literally lifting our spirits higher, rising to the occasion called life.

Let’s intentionally live it well.

Rest well friend.

Boundaries, Crazy Cycle, Growth, Lessons, Love, Patience

Cheap and Chewed

A spiritual, intentional life isn’t one without drama.  However, it can be one without cheap drama.  I’ve arrived at this lesson slower than a tortoise, but with burnt hands, I lift them and say no more to cheap drama.

You can do the same.

Here is the deal…Life naturally brings drama.

Some of your best and most loved people are going to pass on to the next life, without your permission.  Your beloved pets too.  When you are healing from these deep cuts, life can still teach you even more heart ache.  Grey’s Anatomy taught us that real life drama takes few breaks.  Remember Denny?  I’m still not over losing him.

Your heart is going to break several times in this life.  It is also going to mend – never the same, but shockingly, it pieces back together in a similar shape. Covered in wounds and scars which give it texture. And stories that can create tenderness or bitterness, depending on which we choose.

Your plate is going to be full. Your kids are going to be crazy.  In fact, if you are a mom, or parent children in any way, you will learn our darlings come packaged with their own level of drama.  Tied with a ribbon labeled “You’re Welcome.”

People are going to dislike you.  Forsake you. You will be misrepresented in a few tales. Some people will try to hand you their messes.

The good news is you can say no and turn away from cheap drama.  Your no can be silent yet definite.  You don’t have to make a point or lesson for another, you can choose differently and hand them back their own work to do. Continue Reading

Boundaries, Brave, Courage, Crazy Cycle, Friendship, Laughter

Cull the Crap Day

A few years ago Amy and I were sharing funny stories about high school days.  We became friends in adulthood, actually through motherhood, so we didn’t share our teenage experiences.   While laughing at our choice in ex-boyfriends, crushes, and fashion, (Hello high waisted jeans…please go away for good) Amy mentioned that she always ended up talking to guys she wasn’t interested in because she didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  If I communicated only in Emojis, there would be the gal with her hand raised here.  Same.

Always.  My people pleasing ways had no boundaries.  Zero. None. Zilch.

If you haven’t met Amy, let me explain a few things to you.  Amy was the All-American girl, she will hate this whole paragraph, but it’s all true.  She is blonde, blue eyed, great athlete, cheerleader, good friend, Homecoming Queen, Buckaroo Queen, a Texas Tech Red Raider, a teacher…and later a great mom and good friend.  She is so beautiful that it’s stupid.  She and her daughter have these blue eyes that deserve to have a crayon named after them, only to be rivaled with their hearts and smiles.  Her facial expressions make me laugh harder than any other, especially in moments that I’m not supposed to.  So, can you even imagine being a teenage boy and NOT liking her?

Amy and I, It’s true that every brunette needs a blonde best friend.

Apparently, there were a couple of guys that were really vying for her attention, and put forth their best effort by pulling out their most impressive talents. Her doorbell rang a lot that year.

One ring brought a kid that wanted to show her his karate moves.  Amy politely watched and kindly told him how good he was. Another visit brought a boy who wanted her to listen to all the different languages he could speak.  The last straw came when the knock on the door produced a guy who came to show Amy that he could do the splits.  Then dropped down in them.  The splits.  Seriously.  Amy smiled, and again, most likely said all the right things to make him feel good about the talent he had brought forth.

But her dad had finally had enough.  He was shutting down all the home visits.  As Amy tells it, he hollered, “That’s it, this is CULL THE DWEEB day!  No more performances on the porch!”  He was done with all the Tom Foolery, and can you blame him?  There were boys risking hamstring injuries on his porch, and his daughter was too nice to simply not answer the door.  Her dad took over the job.

Cull the Dweeb Day.  If only we knew which exact calendar day it was, I’d petition for it to be a National Holiday, only maybe renamed “Cull the Crap Day”.

A few years ago, in a completely different life category, I had a Cull the Crap moment.  I was done being the person that others wanted or needed me to be.  So. Passed. Done.  I knew if I didn’t do something about it, my soul would drown.  (No one has ever accused me of being low on the dramatics scale.)  I had finally slowed down enough to feel it.  The loneliness. The sadness.  The drowning. The separation of self and spirit. It was as if the scales of “busy” had fallen from my eyes and the life I was living didn’t resemble anything that felt good, real, or true.  I had allowed others to make decisions I didn’t want to live with any longer. I basically had zero boundaries set up to teach others how to treat me, which allowed for disrespect and manipulation.  Please understand, I was just as guilty as any other party for the pattern of these relationships.  I had allowed the foundation to be laid the way it was, sacrificing the best parts of myself for some that didn’t care, and others that it would never be enough.

Here is the thing about drowning.  You just want to reach the surface to fill your lungs with enough air to breathe again.  There isn’t a map or under water navigation to the surface, you just have to look for the light and head towards it.  In efforts to breathe, my only decision was to face the light and honor my truth.   As much as I love list making, I didn’t sit down with pen and paper to decide who I would allow in my space and who had to go, I just focused on slowly becoming more myself every day.  Peace and joy were my guidance system.  More and more, when decisions or trouble would arise, I sent someone new to answer the door.  My true self, and not my representative.

This was new to some people, and they didn’t like it.  Change is not comfortable, especially when others didn’t choose it.  It didn’t work for some relationships and they decided to quit ringing the doorbell.  They weren’t comfortable with who was answering the door now.  Again, it wasn’t completely their fault, all they had known was the People Pleaser, and it worked for them.

The hardest thing about relationships is that they sometimes change or end before you are ready.  Sometimes they simply don’t want to walk down a path with you, and that is okay.  It’s also okay to walk the path meant for you.  Sometimes the most spiritual things we do are physical, like walking down a healthier path. It’s heartbreaking when this includes family, and sometimes just as sad when it’s friends.  Not every relationship is meant for a lifelong endurance.  When they are unhealthy and you are drowning, a Cull the Crap day is a good starting place.

Boundary Brooke is in charge of answering the door now.  Sometimes the old People Pleasing Representative will sneak to the front, and it never ends well.  Boundaries have to go up again, and shockingly, the circus on the porch gets tired and leaves.

Cull the Crap.  You can thank Amy’s sweet dad later.

 

  • The scenery photos are courtesy of my talented friend, Gary Richardson.

 

Boundaries, Brave, Courage, Crazy Cycle, Forgivness, Lessons, Pause

Practice the Pause

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.”  1 Cor 14:33

Disorder = chaos, mess, confusion, disarray, shambles, discombobulation.

I cannot breathe during times of chaos.  I can function, because I am a mom, thus giving up the option of bailing during messy times.  I am a functioning champ on auto-pilot during times of disorder, but I cannot breathe.  As it turns out, breathing is necessary to live peacefully.

To invite peace into your life, you must step off the Crazy Cycle. And make a conscious decision to not participate in the games anymore.  I’ve gotten off of the Crazy ride before, but didn’t step away – thinking that was enough.  But, the cars on the Ferris Wheel continued to bump the backside of my head on each turn of the ride.  I’ve never been accused of being a fast learner.  Friend, don’t just stand beside the exit sign, walk away.

Walking away is always sad. Especially if you are accustomed and conditioned to the chaos.

Walking away takes bravery and courage. Walking away isn’t giving up, it is setting boundaries.  Boundaries are healthy, with perimeters that can bring peace towards a situation that hasn’t been resolved.

A friend lovingly referred me to the book, “Keep your Love On!” by Danny Silk.  In it he states, “If you cannot set boundaries with “consumers” (of your time and energy), you are going to be exploited.”  Ring a bell?  The wrapped package for me ended with “The more you respect the value of your own life by cultivating your garden, the more you will create an atmosphere of respect around you.”  Respect doesn’t look like selfish agendas or manipulation.  For the love of yourself, your family, and your sanity – respect your values.

I’ve learned the long, dusty way, that my words are safer if I keep them.  When I hold on to them, they can’t be twisted and turned into something they weren’t used for.  Miscommunication is one thing, but taking words and turning them to fit into your agenda is a whole ‘nother ballgame.  It’s mean and spiteful.  I’ve been guilty of doing it myself, until I recognized this behavior and knew better.

We’ve all been in conflict and used a line, spoken out of context, against another.  Almost as a tag line, a defensive one.  “I mean, and then they said this…”, said with a sad look, expecting to invoke sympathy.   Just stop.  Own your part. Get off the wheel.  Go lick your wounds in your own corner, with your safe people.  Then get up, and move on.  Walk towards peace.  Forgive.  Forgive when it’s hard.  Forgive if it’s only for your own peace of mind.

I wish passive aggressive would be recognized and treated like the plague.  I recognized how passive aggressive I am with my sarcasm only when I married someone who doesn’t own a passive aggressive bone. In his whole, handsome body.  Black and white with no passive gray.  I love the black and white, it is safe, I know where everything stands.  While I appreciate his black and white, I don’t live there, I reside a lot in the shades between.  Not just the short, gray side, but the whole rainbow side.  We balance each other.

Learning to separate passive aggressive from my sarcasm has been more difficult than learning the Chinese language.  I’m still progressing.  I reach for sarcasm more than chocolate somedays.  This is more of a confession than a proud stance.  Sarcasm is a love language of mine that keeps the world at bay, it is a much-needed buffer.  Hubs doesn’t speak this love language, and sometimes that requires a translator for us to communicate.

Pause. That’s the key.  Not your circus, not your monkeys?  Pause.  When the monkeys belong to you?  Take one-hot-minute to pause, to gather and ground yourself before you reply.  Otherwise you are going to do what you have always done, thus another round on the Crazy Cycle Ferris Wheel.  And those rounds are enough to make anyone nauseous.

Practice the pause. Learn to love the pause.  Allow yourself to grow within the pause.  Breathe in the peace, and exhale the chaos. Chaos will eat you alive, it will block your view of the beauty that this life is filled with.  Pause and breathe.  I love the thought that deep breaths are like little love notes to your body.  Pause to send your body affirmations of love and peace.

“Loving yourself through the process of owning your story is the bravest thing you’ll ever do.”  Brene Brown

You are valued my friend.

You are so brave.

And everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected.

Now, kindly follow the exit signs on your right, and get your butt off the Crazy Cycle Ferris Wheel.  We hoped you enjoyed your ride.

*Piece by Stefan Sagmeister: The Happy Show