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Boundaries

Boundaries, Character, Growth, Lessons, Patience, Prayer, Uncategorized

The Highish Road

Let’s be honest…

The high road is not known for being fun and flashy.

It’s dusty and less traveled enough to not even have a speed limit.

There is no “entrance high” when ramping onto the high road. If we got the same kick out of taking the high road than we do taking the Loop around Austin, more people would gladly choose it. Most times there isn’t even a buzz 100 miles into the journey. It usually comes much later, when looking back and understanding the sanity and peace of traveling this dumb road. More importantly, the necessity of the LESSON which ended you up on the highish road.

Truthfully, most times I’d rather just take the Middle Road. Where you can at least get by with a clever snapback. Because man, there are some good ones for all the Karens and Janets.

I’ve found myself more times in the swamp. Not being able to quiet that sharp tongue. Which never ends up feeling good. It’s like missing the exit for the Loop and getting stuck in the muck of traffic, downtown Austin. When everything is blurted and off your chest, you think you’ll be free as a lark, instead you feel as low as a toad.

That being said, I don’t know which road this essay puts me on. I’m aiming for a higher one. My hope is to share a little in hopes to help gracefully release some old tie downs that could be holding us back.

Next to the trinity of my Maker, my husband and boys – extended family and friendships mean everything to me. Every single thing. Until they threaten the 5 things in front of them.

I have created some sturdy boundaries, built through the years which have strengthened me to release some relationships that aren’t healthy for my family or our peace.

When one continues to speak poorly about your family or children…release them. It only seems reasonable to recognize their Exit sign. According to their choices, they chose to sit in an Exit row, accepted the guidelines from the cute flight attendant (think 1980s stewardess here) when moving to that seat, and therefore pulled their own cord to exit your airplane. Bless them as they float away.

One can quietly honor the duration of a relationship, including the sharing that happened within it, and 100% be walking yourself and family back to your own bubble of peace, sanity and home. Even when we are mentally on an airplane where you can’t control the roster or seating arrangement, we can close our eyes and visualize yourself walking back to 1st class, and pulling the curtain closed behind you. Like in the movie Bridesmaids, some of the noisy ones are in coach – ready to par-tay with your emotions and life when you just desperately need silence, peace, air pods, and maybe a glass of wine.

Even when others won’t take themselves on a road a little higher, YOU can. I’d like to think it’s possible that when we choose the elevated path, we can silently wish the person who put you on it would go climb a really tall and really thick cactus. I haven’t confirmed this, but feel God might overlook the later because of the earlier? I don’t know, maybe do your own prayer time on that.

Brene Brown tells us that when we are nervous, we always revert back to our highest level of training. I think this also works with emotional training. If we are in the habit of choosing our prayers, our words, our friends, our actions, our habits, and our surroundings wisely…we can slowly create a solid character that wouldn’t dream of taking any other path.

Wouldn’t it be nice to always travel the speedy loop? To stay grounded and pay attention to the exits given which lead us to those highish paths. They aren’t always the easiest, but they always end up bringing the most peace. Always. I wish that peace for you friend.

*In complete transparency…

This essay was written a long while ago. It was snappy, written in the weeds of hurt feelings and anger. It was written because I had begrudgingly ended up on the high road. I wanted off of it, and this essay was my ticket. A friend encouraged me to sit on it because she thought I was better than that. Or perhaps hoped me to be? After rolling my eyes and presenting a strong argument that I definitely was not better… I relented. I sat on it, occasionally going back to remove a sharp elbow, one at a time. A dagger here, a swift kick there – all sad feelings processed individually and worked through. Until eventually, I didn’t feel anger or sadness when reading it. Just resolve wrapped in peace.

**Photo by my crazy talented friend Gary Richardson

February 12, 2021 by texturedsoul

Authenticity, Boundaries, Grace, Lessons, Stillness

Freedom to be misunderstood

Once, I was headed to a gathering where the reception wasn’t anticipated to be super warm. As I was preparing for awkwardly coldish, yet clammy weather, my anxiety was bubbling at an all time high. I was praying fiercely that God would wrap me in a protective bubble, maybe even letting that bubble float back home, when a song by Dolly Pardon and For King & Country came on the radio. There are several miracles in this simple situation. Miracle #1 – I was listening to the radio and not a podcast, audiobook, or playlist. Miracle #2 – Dolly was singing. Miracle #3 – I paid attention to the words of a song, which were this…

“God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it’s killing you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows.”

Ah, that love. I rest in it. You should too. We have the freedom to be misunderstood because He knows. Not only that, we have the freedom to be misunderstood and not even explain ourselves. Not even a little bit. Please consider this your misunderstood ticket, enjoy! It’s redeemable for a lifetime.

When things are so misconstrued or wrong, we naturally want to correct another’s mindset or opinion. SURELY if they only heard the story from your mouth, they would then understand the shoes you are standing in. That very act of explaining yourself takes so much energy, when it could be used on greater things. Like loving your family. Or cuddling with a dog. Or enjoying a mammogram.

“The people pleaser’s best accomplice is the fine art of over explaining.”

I am the most engaged and needy student on this subject. My fight or flight instinct comes out in a desperate desire for everyone to understand, be on the same level, and all get along. I have a huge problem of using all the words to over explain, while trying to get everyone up to date and on the same page. I am so uncomfortable when people are scattered on different pages, “Everyone gather! You guys up front, might you slow down while these peeps catch up? Peeps in the back, read over these handy Cliff Notes to catch up with us, so we can ALL UNDERSTAND TOGETHER.”

Just ask my husband. He does not suffer with this issue or with the need for anyone to “understand” him. He doesn’t even try to get others to understand me. Perhaps due to the length of time it took him to learn my crazy, but that doesn’t need to be unpacked here. Blessed be sweet man.

There is freedom in being misunderstood. There is freedom in just letting it go and letting it happen. There is freedom in letting people land where they naturally belong.

Sometimes the simplest resources teach us best. Like water. Water seeks it’s own level. And we should just get out of it’s way and let it settle. Don’t create waves to pull yourself or others to a different level so they can understand where you are, or vice versa. We are different people, with different gifts, and understand this world and our experience in it a billion different ways.

Besides, water is still beautiful no matter the level. Water doesn’t bother itself by explaining where it stands. It doesn’t beg for us to see it’s perrogative. It has the freedom to just be, understood or not.

As do we.

“If we are more concerned with spinning around trying to assess everybody’s opinions and reactions, trying to manage what the whole world things about us, we run the risk of losing the ground He has given us.”

**Quotes are from “Stand all the way Up” written by Sophie Hudson

June 30, 2020 by texturedsoul

Boundaries, Crazy Cycle, Growth, Lessons, Love, Patience

Cheap and Chewed

A spiritual, intentional life isn’t one without drama. However, it can be one without cheap drama. I’ve arrived at this lesson slower than a tortoise, but with burnt hands, I lift them and say no more to cheap drama.

You can do the same.

Here is the deal…Life naturally brings drama.

Some of your best and most loved people are going to pass on to the next life, without your permission. Your beloved pets too. When you are healing from these deep cuts, life can still teach you even more heart ache. Grey’s Anatomy taught us that real life drama takes few breaks. Remember Denny? I’m still not over losing him.

Your heart is going to break several times in this life. It is also going to mend – never the same, but shockingly, it pieces back together in a similar shape. Covered in wounds and scars which give it texture. And stories that can create tenderness or bitterness, depending on which we choose.

Your plate is going to be full. Your kids are going to be crazy. In fact, if you are a mom, or parent children in any way, you will learn our darlings come packaged with their own level of drama. Tied with a ribbon labeled “You’re Welcome.”

People are going to dislike you. Forsake you. You will be misrepresented in a few tales. Some people will try to hand you their messes.

The good news is you can say no and turn away from cheap drama. Your no can be silent yet definite. You don’t have to make a point or lesson for another, you can choose differently and hand them back their own work to do. Continue Reading

March 5, 2019 by texturedsoul

Boundaries, Brave, Courage, Crazy Cycle, Friendship, Laughter

Cull the Crap Day

A few years ago Amy and I were sharing funny stories about high school days. We became friends in adulthood, actually through motherhood, so we didn’t share our teenage experiences. While laughing at our choice in ex-boyfriends, crushes, and fashion, (Hello high waisted jeans…please go away for good) Amy mentioned that she always ended up talking to guys she wasn’t interested in because she didn’t want to hurt their feelings. If I communicated only in Emojis, there would be the gal with her hand raised here. Same.

Always. My people pleasing ways had no boundaries. Zero. None. Zilch.

If you haven’t met Amy, let me explain a few things to you. Amy was the All-American girl, she will hate this whole paragraph, but it’s all true. She is blonde, blue eyed, great athlete, cheerleader, good friend, Homecoming Queen, Buckaroo Queen, a Texas Tech Red Raider, a teacher…and later a great mom and good friend. She is so beautiful that it’s stupid. She and her daughter have these blue eyes that deserve to have a crayon named after them, only to be rivaled with their hearts and smiles. Her facial expressions make me laugh harder than any other, especially in moments that I’m not supposed to. So, can you even imagine being a teenage boy and NOT liking her?

Amy and I, It’s true that every brunette needs a blonde best friend.

Apparently, there were a couple of guys that were really vying for her attention, and put forth their best effort by pulling out their most impressive talents. Her doorbell rang a lot that year.

One ring brought a kid that wanted to show her his karate moves. Amy politely watched and kindly told him how good he was. Another visit brought a boy who wanted her to listen to all the different languages he could speak. The last straw came when the knock on the door produced a guy who came to show Amy that he could do the splits. Then dropped down in them. The splits. Seriously. Amy smiled, and again, most likely said all the right things to make him feel good about the talent he had brought forth.

But her dad had finally had enough. He was shutting down all the home visits. As Amy tells it, he hollered, “That’s it, this is CULL THE DWEEB day! No more performances on the porch!” He was done with all the Tom Foolery, and can you blame him? There were boys risking hamstring injuries on his porch, and his daughter was too nice to simply not answer the door. Her dad took over the job.

Cull the Dweeb Day. If only we knew which exact calendar day it was, I’d petition for it to be a National Holiday, only maybe renamed “Cull the Crap Day”.

A few years ago, in a completely different life category, I had a Cull the Crap moment. I was done being the person that others wanted or needed me to be. So. Passed. Done. I knew if I didn’t do something about it, my soul would drown. (No one has ever accused me of being low on the dramatics scale.) I had finally slowed down enough to feel it. The loneliness. The sadness. The drowning. The separation of self and spirit. It was as if the scales of “busy” had fallen from my eyes and the life I was living didn’t resemble anything that felt good, real, or true. I had allowed others to make decisions I didn’t want to live with any longer. I basically had zero boundaries set up to teach others how to treat me, which allowed for disrespect and manipulation. Please understand, I was just as guilty as any other party for the pattern of these relationships. I had allowed the foundation to be laid the way it was, sacrificing the best parts of myself for some that didn’t care, and others that it would never be enough.

Here is the thing about drowning. You just want to reach the surface to fill your lungs with enough air to breathe again. There isn’t a map or under water navigation to the surface, you just have to look for the light and head towards it. In efforts to breathe, my only decision was to face the light and honor my truth. As much as I love list making, I didn’t sit down with pen and paper to decide who I would allow in my space and who had to go, I just focused on slowly becoming more myself every day. Peace and joy were my guidance system. More and more, when decisions or trouble would arise, I sent someone new to answer the door. My true self, and not my representative.

This was new to some people, and they didn’t like it. Change is not comfortable, especially when others didn’t choose it. It didn’t work for some relationships and they decided to quit ringing the doorbell. They weren’t comfortable with who was answering the door now. Again, it wasn’t completely their fault, all they had known was the People Pleaser, and it worked for them.

The hardest thing about relationships is that they sometimes change or end before you are ready. Sometimes they simply don’t want to walk down a path with you, and that is okay. It’s also okay to walk the path meant for you. Sometimes the most spiritual things we do are physical, like walking down a healthier path. It’s heartbreaking when this includes family, and sometimes just as sad when it’s friends. Not every relationship is meant for a lifelong endurance. When they are unhealthy and you are drowning, a Cull the Crap day is a good starting place.

Boundary Brooke is in charge of answering the door now. Sometimes the old People Pleasing Representative will sneak to the front, and it never ends well. Boundaries have to go up again, and shockingly, the circus on the porch gets tired and leaves.

Cull the Crap. You can thank Amy’s sweet dad later.

The scenery photos are courtesy of my talented friend, Gary Richardson.

February 28, 2018 by texturedsoul

Boundaries, Brave, Courage, Crazy Cycle, Forgivness, Lessons, Pause

Practice the Pause

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” 1 Cor 14:33

Disorder = chaos, mess, confusion, disarray, shambles, discombobulation.

I cannot breathe during times of chaos. I can function, because I am a mom, thus giving up the option of bailing during messy times. I am a functioning champ on auto-pilot during times of disorder, but I cannot breathe. As it turns out, breathing is necessary to live peacefully.

To invite peace into your life, you must step off the Crazy Cycle. And make a conscious decision to not participate in the games anymore. I’ve gotten off of the Crazy ride before, but didn’t step away – thinking that was enough. But, the cars on the Ferris Wheel continued to bump the backside of my head on each turn of the ride. I’ve never been accused of being a fast learner. Friend, don’t just stand beside the exit sign, walk away.

Walking away is always sad. Especially if you are accustomed and conditioned to the chaos.

Walking away takes bravery and courage. Walking away isn’t giving up, it is setting boundaries. Boundaries are healthy, with perimeters that can bring peace towards a situation that hasn’t been resolved.

A friend lovingly referred me to the book, “Keep your Love On!” by Danny Silk. In it he states, “If you cannot set boundaries with “consumers” (of your time and energy), you are going to be exploited.” Ring a bell? The wrapped package for me ended with “The more you respect the value of your own life by cultivating your garden, the more you will create an atmosphere of respect around you.” Respect doesn’t look like selfish agendas or manipulation. For the love of yourself, your family, and your sanity – respect your values.

I’ve learned the long, dusty way, that my words are safer if I keep them. When I hold on to them, they can’t be twisted and turned into something they weren’t used for. Miscommunication is one thing, but taking words and turning them to fit into your agenda is a whole ‘nother ballgame. It’s mean and spiteful. I’ve been guilty of doing it myself, until I recognized this behavior and knew better.

We’ve all been in conflict and used a line, spoken out of context, against another. Almost as a tag line, a defensive one. “I mean, and then they said this…”, said with a sad look, expecting to invoke sympathy. Just stop. Own your part. Get off the wheel. Go lick your wounds in your own corner, with your safe people. Then get up, and move on. Walk towards peace. Forgive. Forgive when it’s hard. Forgive if it’s only for your own peace of mind.

I wish passive aggressive would be recognized and treated like the plague. I recognized how passive aggressive I am with my sarcasm only when I married someone who doesn’t own a passive aggressive bone. In his whole, handsome body. Black and white with no passive gray. I love the black and white, it is safe, I know where everything stands. While I appreciate his black and white, I don’t live there, I reside a lot in the shades between. Not just the short, gray side, but the whole rainbow side. We balance each other.

Learning to separate passive aggressive from my sarcasm has been more difficult than learning the Chinese language. I’m still progressing. I reach for sarcasm more than chocolate somedays. This is more of a confession than a proud stance. Sarcasm is a love language of mine that keeps the world at bay, it is a much-needed buffer. Hubs doesn’t speak this love language, and sometimes that requires a translator for us to communicate.

Pause. That’s the key. Not your circus, not your monkeys? Pause. When the monkeys belong to you? Take one-hot-minute to pause, to gather and ground yourself before you reply. Otherwise you are going to do what you have always done, thus another round on the Crazy Cycle Ferris Wheel. And those rounds are enough to make anyone nauseous.

Practice the pause. Learn to love the pause. Allow yourself to grow within the pause. Breathe in the peace, and exhale the chaos. Chaos will eat you alive, it will block your view of the beauty that this life is filled with. Pause and breathe. I love the thought that deep breaths are like little love notes to your body. Pause to send your body affirmations of love and peace.

“Loving yourself through the process of owning your story is the bravest thing you’ll ever do.” Brene Brown

You are valued my friend.

You are so brave.

And everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected.

Now, kindly follow the exit signs on your right, and get your butt off the Crazy Cycle Ferris Wheel. We hoped you enjoyed your ride.

*Piece by Stefan Sagmeister: The Happy Show

September 19, 2017 by texturedsoul