For the times in life where I have struggled to catch my breath, friendship has served as my inhaler. Stressed? Better call the besties, because friendship can literally breathe life back into a weary soul.
Learning how to breathe is in direct response to calming my spirit. Calming my spirit is in direct response to letting things go, and accepting that there are just some things I cannot control. Who wants to live like a fish out of water, not knowing where their next breath is coming from? This is called anxiety – the feeling of standing on unstable ground. During these shaky moments is when we reach for support.
Recently, our family went through a true crisis. I sent a text out to my friends asking for prayers and advice. They recognized that I was at my capacity for handling the situation, my spirit was stretched and about to bust. What friendship did in that moment, is show up. Showing up isn’t always literal, but it is always emotional. Sometimes it’s driving two hours to sit with you at the hospital, a phone call, a simple text checking on you or a funny meme to lighten your mood. Friendship is the scaffolding that supports and holds us up during the rough patches.
A gathering of friends for my 30th birthday…just a few months ago. Or 9 years. Same.
We were made to represent the love of God for our people here on earth, that each person we journey with may have a deeper understanding of God’s love for them. It has been said that we are all just walking each other home. I couldn’t love that thought more, healthy relationships remind us of the goodness of God, by bringing more divine into our lives.
Friendship can never be authentic unless you are honest and vulnerable. True friendship is the real stuff – not the artificial sweetener that attempts to taste like the real stuff. True friendship is the pure cane sugar of life -messy calories and all. When you find that tribe member, the building of a friendship begins. Growing up, I never had a clubhouse, but this is how I picture the home of friendship. When one shares something vulnerable, it’s as if she is handing you a brick to add to the building of the clubhouse. You, in return, share or confide by handing her a stone to build on. This goes on, in no specific time frame or rhythm, and one day you look up and realize your clubhouse is built. It’s not a perfect clubhouse made of one single material or straight lines, but it is beautiful. It is a place for both parties to be nourished under the shelter of friendship.
When one shows up for another, it’s like having a decorating meeting inside your well-loved clubhouse. Pitchers in hand, ready to pour into whichever soul needs it at the moment. If you look for fault in your friends, you will find it. We are all human. But if you continue to only look for the lovely, that’s what you will see. If one can’t be there today, be thankful for the one who is. They all have their own purpose in your life. Your friendships will show up in all different ways, like a gorgeous rainbow.
There are few things better than a can’t-catch-your-breath-laugh with girlfriends. Recently a group of us drove south to hear a beloved author, Jen Hatmaker, speak at the Austin Bass Concert Hall. Afterwards, we walked outside to wait on our requested Uber. We stood out front, waiting on Thor, chatting about where we should eat dinner. I glanced up and saw Jen Hatmaker herself walking out of the building with her entourage, I really wanted to run and tell her specifically what her writing has meant to me, then I remembered the chapter called “Fangirl” in her latest book. She encourages us to fangirl Jesus and our friends instead of famous people who we don’t know. Inwardly, I rolled by eyes, whispered “fine”, and turned back to fangirl my gals.
Perfect timing, as a minivan pulled up, the driver got out and the automatic minivan doors opened. What service Thor, you have earned yourself a rating of Uber excellence young man. As Kristy and Patricia started to get in, the side door jammed while in auto mode, which caused a constant dreadful sound, kind of like a possum was stuck in it. All four of us looked through the car to the driver, who was standing by his door just staring at us. “Sir, what’s wrong with your door?” Blank stare. “SIR, can you come fix your door? Something is wrong with it.” At one point, Marlo pushed through the other two and started trying to shove it open while saying through clenched teeth, “Oh. I. got. this!” – a word for each shove. Resolved that we weren’t climbing in on that side, we all went to the drivers side, got in and was buckling up when a random lady came over and said, “What have y’all done to the door?” Not knowing who she was or what business she had in our night, we stuck to the Stranger-Danger rule and ignored her, continuing about the task of getting into our Uber. Stranger-Danger-Lady wouldn’t give up with the questions though. Sweet Patricia just kindly smiled at her as the rest of us ignored her. She said something like, “This is my car.”, Ugh, lady…go away. In really slow talk so she would understand and quit asking questions, we replied, “No ma’am, this is our Uber, Thor is our driver.” Done with the shenanigans she yelled, “THIS IS MY *&$%ing CAR and you broke my door!” She was further thrilled when we sat there staring at her, as the situation took some time to soak in. The situation of mistaking the valet guy for Thor, our Uber driver. No wonder the Thor (who wasn’t Thor) just stared at us without words when we ask him to please fix his door. Just as we climbed into the poor sailor-mouth-lady’s car, we piled back out. Back out into the rain to once again, to wait for our Uber – in the Valet line.
To be clear – the next car we got into was the correct one – Cliff’s car. Which sounds a lot like Thor…
Send kindness out in big, generous waves, send it near and far, send it through texts and e-mails and calls and words and hugs, send it by showing up, send it by proximity, send it in casseroles, send it with a well-timed “me too”, send it with abandon. Put out exactly what you hope to draw in, and expect it back in kind and in equal measure. Sow seeds of affirmation and goodness and grace into others, and you will reap the devotion of well-loved friends.” Jen Hatmaker – Of Mess and Moxie
Put simply – it takes being a friend to have a friend. I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum. My first years into adulthood were some of the loneliest. I was in a growth gap, past who I was and not yet grown into who I was becoming. I don’t like the thought of growing out of a friendship, I’d rather be grateful for the season that we had it. Not all relationships will make the duration of your journey, some are just meant for a season.
Pay attention to those who show up in big and little ways. Pay attention to those who support you, who defend you, who encourage you to rise above and be better in this moment. Surround yourself with honest and loyal people, those who know when to push you and when to encourage you to pivot. Nurture your friendships, show up for your people, love on your tribe, and preserve that beloved clubhouse – it can always use another brick or decoration. We cannot do life alone, we were made to connect.
Life is brutal and life is beautiful. The brutal doesn’t break us because the beautiful sustains us.”
At one time, I clearly had too much time on my hands and stitched a favorite quote for my closet. “I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet.” Perhaps it was a warning label, framed for my husband. “This girl does and will buy clothes, think of it as an investment, with a return of happiness.” Here are a few things I like to have in my closet to make me feel warm and safe:
