I have hesitated in sharing the following writing for almost two years. One reason is respecting the privacy of my child and protecting the safe space to let him grow and mature. Another reason being I didn’t want to give a tiny handful of people the satisfaction of getting a glimpse into our lives. For now, that pride has been worked through and has been replaced by a healthier pride. A mother’s pride.
Courage
May should come with a daily mascara alert. Also, a personal soul cheerleader reminding you that you can do all the exhausting tasks this month throws on us.
I’m overwhelmed. Which accurately describes every mother at the end of the school year. But this year feels different having a senior. Because it is different. It’s so different. And dumb. I wish Senior year could have moved as slowly as his Fourth-Grade year – that one was a dousy.
My Momma-Heart is raw. My brain keeps cheering me on that I can do all the hard things, while my heart is singing Meatloaf lyrics and informing me that it won’t do that. It doesn’t feel like it can take one more last. Not when there are so many things that I still need to tell him and teach him. My friend gave the advice to have all the conversations and say all the things – so that keeps me up at night. Only my darling isn’t too receptive when I pad my bare feet across the house to have a heart to heart, hoping he is awake as well. Nor does he care about learning how to perform the heimlich maneuver on himself or the most efficient way to load a dishwasher.
I don’t want to brag, but I handle being overwhelmed like a champ. In the case you need some advice on this so the rest of your May can be smooth, let me offer some tips that I find helpful:
- I simply quit living. I stop being proactive on my schedule and quit looking at my calendar in hopes it will stop time. It’s odd that this doesn’t work and only adds to the frustration of being overwhelmed with tardiness and lack of preparation. But, keep trying it.
- I mentally hit the snooze button on the household work and checklists that normally keep our life running smooth.
- I don’t grocery shop until the natives start hollering that we are out of milk and “everything”.
- I curl up in bed when possible, and stare at a lot of walls and even more piles of towels that are begging to be folded. Towels are so needy sometimes. Fold yourself.
The biggest lie is that this will stop the inevitable from happening. Time marches on, whether we are present for the moments or not. The world doesn’t stop turning just because we are stuck in reliving our memories. I’ve learned we miss a lot of sweet moments if we are staring into space thinking they aren’t happening.
CS Lewis tells us, “What you see depends on where you are standing”. This is never more true than when your baby is about to leave the nest. I stand behind him and see my handsome boy standing in a pile of beautiful baby feathers he has shed throughout the years. He stands at the edge of our nest and sees his future laid out wide in front of him. It is sweet to watch him stretch his wings in preparation to fly, but the sweet is wrapped in a somber blanket of not wanting it to be over.
You may not have a senior, you might just be dealing with the other side of our current crazy – end of the school year crap. Banquets, Recitals, Award assemblies, class parties, school parties, standardized testing…bless. You just thought you turned in all the paperwork in September. There is a whole ‘nother pile of summer camp signups for everything your child ever considered doing. Then the darlings decide to take a growth spurt the last month of school and you’d better go buy them all the new clothes since their shorts are closer to the “booty short” description than “prep length”. It’s enough to overwhelm June Cleaver, no wonder we get stuck in sensory overload.
While I can’t take out the calories of our emotional eating, I can offer this…
Pause Momma. Say no to all the unimportant tasks that aren’t relevant to this short season. Create margin for breathing so you can have the energy and strength to be present for living. Live this day.
The towels might end up learning how to fold themselves. After all….we did figure out how to put a man on the moon. I’m just sayin’….
Known for our Fruit…
“…by their fruit you will recognize them.”
If you spent more than a little time in Sunday school as a child you probably recited the fruits of the spirit.
You might have even made a craft, or your kids have, hung on the fridge as proof they are hopefully learning a lesson or two. Lord knows I’ve failed at teaching mine as much as I should have.
This morning I sat down for some quiet time that usually seems to elude my schedule. I’m not in a current bible study and didn’t want to read any of the three books on my nightstand, so I just sat. I sat and watched the rain come down outside. In our back yard sits an apple tree that is on the struggle bus. I got it for Hubs on our first anniversary to symbolize paper, the traditional one year anniversary gift. Only we have been so busy watering and caring for our actual relationship and family that we’ve forgotten to care for the poor little apple tree.
I sat looking at the sticks that are hoping to grow apples and the question popped into my head,
“What fruit will you produce today?”.
Yikes.
“What fruit will you be recognized by?”
Ouch. Stop it already.
Today I would be caught with rotten bananas, like the brown ones in my freezer waiting to be used for banana bread. Why couldn’t you have caught me on a good day? I have a couple of those on leap years.
Spiritual fruit cannot grow with an ego in the middle of it.
Someone wiser than I came up with the acronym for Ego = Edging God Out
Which is exactly what it does, it convinces us that we are most important, we deserve this, we earned it, our feelings matter most. Our egos come in, edge the Divine out, and get our order of priorities all jacked up.
Self? Let me check the list….Yes! You go up here at the top, naturally. Like the star on the Christmas tree. Look at you shine sister.
Others? What have you done for me lately? Hmmmm… Go ahead and head down, third from the bottom rung.
Children? Y’all are still here? Good grief, haven’t we raised you already? Get close to the top, I’ll put you on my shoulders and let you hold my star.
God? Stick close in case I have a prayer will ya? Thanks so much. Also, could you stand where I bask in your glow? It’s all about the lighting you know. Did you hear me quote your bible verse from memory earlier? How about that huh?
Bless.
Here’s the thing about our Ego. It edges God out, but it also edges GROWTH out. A fruit cannot grow with an ego in the middle of it. Want to grow some fruit? Dump the ego.
Don’t know where to start? Throw out the “should haves” when it pertains to others, no one owes you anything. A fact I continue to learn daily. We were not promised a life without bad times. We weren’t promised a Leave it to Beaver family, or a support system that looks like the traditional one in our mind. No one comes to earth and escapes alive, or lives a life without sorrow. Find your joy. Even the worst of days has some joy tucked in the seams, even if it’s just a perfectly timed cup of caffeine. Recognize and identify what makes your heart lighter.
Want to know some of what we ARE promised?
One who will fight for you…. Exodus 14:14. Renewed strength …Isaiah 40. A companion in fearful moments…Isaiah 41. Unfailing love….Isaiah 54. Freedom….Isaiah 58. Wisdom. Forgiveness. Eternal life. Comfort. Refuge. Deliverance. Peace that transcends all understanding…and so much more.
Peace comes from remembering that only love is real. Look past the surface and see the underlying truth…everyone is a child of God and filled with love. It may be hidden behind our egos, but it was put there. Love is there. Look for the light within you and others. Guess what water and light do? They grow things…like fruit!
If you feel like our apple tree, take hope that God is in the business of growing. He delights in gardening, ask for help in developing your orchard. May we be recognized by our sweet fruit.
I’ve been shopping all of my life and I have nothing to wear…
Growing up in a middle-class family with two little sisters didn’t allow for many frivolous shopping sprees. We didn’t need for anything, but we could always selfishly find a want for more clothes. I always looked forward to new outfits for our church conventions in the summer and a few at Christmas time.
The Christmas that I was in 7th grade, my precious grandmother made all of her granddaughters a sweatshirt. These weren’t just regular threads. Allow me to walk you through this fashion statement, so you can fully understand the beauty of it. My sweatshirt was deep purple, on the front there was a vine made from a thin, green ribbon, with a line sewn down the middle to create ruffled edges. On the vine were different colors of pink flowers, made from ribbon as well. These were special flowers as they were VELCROED on. Yes ma’am, no foolery here. I had the option of pulling a blush-pink flower off the vine on my shoulder, and trading places with the bashful-pink flower on my stomach, or the hot-pink flower on the other shoulder. The front was beautifully covered with floral goodness. I could not wait for Christmas break to be over, so I could wear it to school.
Seventh grade is so awkward. I don’t have to explain this to you, as it is a fact of life. My middle school years were a tad more cumbersome. Due to our religious beliefs, I wore skirts every day for modesty. Middle school is not the place you want to be different, but it grew my character and created a funny bone. The first day back to school, I woke up early and couldn’t wait to get dressed. You know that feeling of assurance – your day will be good because your outfit is rocking. I clothed myself in a long, blue jean skirt, penny loafers, and my new 3-D floral sweatshirt. Boom. Watch out world.
Throughout the day I discovered my flowers were a tad difficult to stay on the Velcro vine, so I adjusted how I carried my books – normally tucked to my chest, now held at my side with one arm. Whatever, change is good. After lunch, I was walking down the hall and heard, “Hey! Hey girl in purple! Hey…Girl that wears skirts! Skirt girl!” I finally realized it was me they were yelling at, and turned around to see the most popular 8th grade boy, who every girl had a crush on. Hoping he had a glass slipper for me to try on, I answered, “Yes?”
“One of your flowers is in Hallway A.”, he said, then turned on his heel and walked into the lunch room. I looked down and sure enough, one of my floral buds had fallen off, leaving a white square of Velcro showing. I never wore the sweatshirt to school again. I decided in that moment to aim for Miss Congeniality and focus on having a good personality. I couldn’t control my looks and clothing. My personality and ability to let things roll off, would serve me better. While you can’t control your outer life, we can always control our inner self.
Cut to adulthood – I still believe and operate on those principles, and I also love clothes and fashion. Like, I could marry them.
Hubs and I were getting dressed to go out the other night and he joked, “Hey, let’s pick each other’s clothes out.” Then we both roared with laughter at the thought of it. He laughed because he made a funny. I laughed to cover my horror at the mental vision of walking out of my closet, clothed in threads chosen by my groom. Flashbacks of middle school made me shutter. Here is where I emphasize that it is healthy for love to have boundaries. Clear lines.
It’s no secret that I love to travel, yet hate to pack. Partly because I need to bring it all. Or at least a couple of choices for each day, as I don’t know what mood I’ll be in upon awaking. Somedays I feel like being Sporty Spice. Others, I can’t wait to be all fancy and stoic like Posh. Most times I would welcome imitating Baby Spice by staying in my pajamas, aka “yoga pants” all day. Bottom line, I don’t know what I really, really want, until waking up and checking the pulse of my day.
You can imagine how sad I would feel if I brought the outfit for Sporty Spice, and Ginger Spice showed up that day for dressing. Awkward. I’m making it sound like I have a plethora of outfits to choose from when in actuality, my style walks a pretty basic line. My friend Jessica refers to it as “classic”, when I’m almost positive she means boring. But once she compared my style to Jennifer Aniston, so I forgive her.
At one time, I clearly had too much time on my hands and stitched a favorite quote for my closet. “I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet.” Perhaps it was a warning label, framed for my husband. “This girl does and will buy clothes, think of it as an investment, with a return of happiness.” Here are a few things I like to have in my closet to make me feel warm and safe:
- White/neutral shirts. I don’t care if it’s a t-shirt or a blouse. I am like Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory. He felt compelled to buy the book ‘Catcher in the Rye’, over and over. I have the same pull to white tops. I breathe easier with an assortment. This also applies to blue jean shirts, one simply cannot have too many.
- A good pair of comfy jeans. I mainly wear Seven for all Mankind, because they fit me well. Also, to avoid the mental agony of going to try on another brand that may or may not love my shape. Dance with the one that brought you. Side note – 7 for all Mankind’s website always has a 40% off sale at the end of the season. Be patient friend. This ensures you won’t have guilt for buying two pairs. If you are local, run to Mainstream Boutique and grab you a pair of Mac and Me jeans. They are cute, trendy jeans with a secret, inside waist band of ELASTIC. No one wants to admit they are throwing in the towel and going straight stretchy pants, but if we can secretly do it? Yes please.
- Platform wedges. Everyone in our house is now taller than me. They love reminding me of this, and I play the game only because it makes them happy. I’ve never wanted to be any other height than I am. Truthfully, I’ve never paid attention to height until I had teenage boys. I wear wedges because I like the look of them on my particular legs. Never to be taller. Own your inches ladies, no matter how many you have in each direction. The elderly ladies in the gym locker room remind me every time I’m getting dressed, “You won’t be able to wear those for much longer!” So, rock ’em while you can Sister-Lou.
- Layering pieces. Which means light-weight sweaters or jackets in Texas. Even when it is hotter than heck outside, I freeze in the office. Layers speak love to me, it’s like hugging your body.
- Fun accessories. This is where I will throw out the class and get crazy. Belts, jewelry, etc. The funkier, the better. It balances the boredom of a white shirt or all the neutrals that I wear.
- “Movement clothes”, a phrase coined by my friend Casey. This basically means pajamas, but without the commitment of calling it that, just in case someone thinks you mean yoga or workout clothing. As soon as my feet enter the door of our home, I’m headed to my closet to change into movement clothes. I love comfort. I could never have a reality TV show, simply for the fact that I would never be dressed appropriately for the camera. They would have to ask me to get dressed daily, and I would reply with a deadpan stare and point to my surroundings. In our home, we wear movement clothes.
No matter what threads cover you, your outfit will go a lot further if you are clothed in congeniality. Even if it is attached to you with velcro, wear it proudly. Especially if it was stitched by your grandmother.
Growing Bigger Souled
Life is made up of little moments, pieced together to create our whole journey. Slots of time filled with joy, sadness, and all the emotions in between. The hope is at the completion of our pilgrimage, there will be a balance of the light and dark, with more gladness than sorrow.
Years ago, we took a family trip to Cabo San Lucas with the boys, they were around seven and ten years old. We indulged in all the ridiculously expensive, touristy experiences; massages, swimming with the dolphins, parasailing, shopping, deep sea fishing, beach days, etc. One night we treated ourselves to a big family dinner at a fun restaurant – right on the beach in Cabo, where the tables are literally set up on the sand. As we were laughing breezily and stuffing our faces, a few locals on the beach quietly attempted to get our attention and sell us their goods.
One young boy and his sister looked to be about the same age as our boys. He came up holding a bundle of colorful bracelets, offering to personalize them with names woven into them. Looking at him, I wondered how it was that my boys ended up as the ones on vacation and he was a local, peddling homemade jewelry. It made me sad, sometimes I just don’t understand this life. I performed the cheesy tourist role – acting as if I couldn’t decide which beauty to choose, so I mentally counted the kiddos in our neighborhood and told him that was how many bracelets I needed. I took him up on his offer to weave Mason and McCray’s names into their bracelets. While he and his older sister sat in the sand to craft our jewelry, McCray couldn’t keep from watching them. At one point, he looked up at me with eyes full of sencerity and said, “Mom, even if his jewelry wasn’t as beautiful as it is, would you still buy it?”
I replied yes. He nodded, looked back at the boy and quietly said, “I would to.”
I will never forget the look on his face that night. His little mind recognizing that they weren’t that different and his little heart not understanding the unfairness of the situation. They were the same age, yet a country apart in their life experiences. McCray has always been my sensitive thinker who seems to feel things deeper than most. The boy selling jewelry could have been as happy as a clam with his life, but that encounter was used for a gentle teaching moment in my son’s journey. That evening, with our feet in the sand and our bellies full, he learned what compassion and empathy feel like.
When empathy is present, apathy cannot exist.” Jessica Honegger
We are not all that different. Don’t we all have the same core needs? What if we could just lean in to those we don’t understand, our neighbors who are experiencing life different from us? What if we could stop filling our lives with the perfect moments, situations, etc – and leave some margin to lean in and meet some of the needs that are right in front of us? Empathy can fill in a lot of gaps. Sister Joan Chittister tells us that “We are either growing or collapsing at every moment. We are becoming bigger souled or smaller souled at every moment.” Every single minute – not one wasted. She believes that the purpose of a human experience is to grow into God. To go beyond religion and become a prayer, by becoming a filter that sees our Creator in everything.
B-e-a-utiful. Oh, to live a kind of life where we see the Divine in everything. To grow bigger souled in each moment. We will slip occasionally, as we are human. Yet, we have an opportunity in every moment to grow, to lean in, to work at understanding and loving those who we deem different than us. We are not as different as it sometimes feels. Jesus was the greatest teacher of this, as he was always expanding his table to accommodate more hearts. We all have the same underground river running beneath our feet, the water of grace. Reach down and splash some on your neighbor.