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Clothing, Gifts, Grace, Growth, Lessons, Love, Priorities

Jesus Storage

I dreamt of Jesus last night. 

He had come down to live with me. And was hanging in my closet. On a hanger.

I don’t know exactly why, but my guess is I was hoarding him there to add to my collection of special occasion outfits.

He was there, but out of the way.  Not an active relationship, but still there just in case. Kinda like a fur coat works for Texans, you don’t really need it but on the rare occasion you do, its great to have. I didn’t want to wear Jesus everyday, but on the rare occasions I desperately needed him, He came in clutch.

Seems to track. 

In my dream, someone kept coming to get him and He would sadly nod, and start walking away with them. 

Then I would yell after Him, “Wait!  You can’t leave, you said you were always going to be with me!”

Jesus would put his head down, drop his shoulders and walk back to hang himself back up on a coat hanger in my closet.  His face was sorrowful, his movements heavyhearted, and even though He wanted to spend his days walking alongside me, He knew I didn’t have the same desire. So He willingly stayed where I left him, collecting dust in my closet.

This happened several times. 

Until I realized how wasted He was there and gently told him He could go.

I told him He had done his job. He had loved me well and taught me unconditional love. 

I let Him go. I’ll never forget the mournful look in his eyes. His heart was broken for me, but He did as I ask.

I let Jesus go.

Rather than take Him out of the closet to clothe myself in Him every day. To be clothed in His strength, grace, dignity, and faith. For Jesus to live alongside me and not tucked away in a closet. 

Why have I forgotten how amazing it feels to live life with coordinating footsteps?

I want to take Jesus out of storage, blow the dust bunnies off, and steam the coat hanger wrinkles out of his shoulders. Not just for His upcoming birthday celebration, but for always.

I hope the closet will remain a visual for me. I hope to look up to the place Jesus was hanging, take Him down, put Him on like the finest garment I own, place my hand in His and tackle every day together.

Jesus, you are welcome here.

December 12, 2022 by
Friendship, Lessons, Love, Prayer

Happy Gilmore Grief

“Maybe it doesn’t matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign, maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can.  And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them.”

I pulled out of my neighborhood one morning recently, to see two guys in the pasture across the way making erratic movements with their bodies. I kept watching, trying to figure out if they were fighting, dancing, or having synchronized seizures. After a bit I realized they had golf clubs in their hands, one was teaching the other how to swing like Happy Gilmore.

I had to smile. Our friend Brad had the Happy Gilmore swing down to an art, it was one of the first things Chad experienced when meeting him on the golf course the day of our wedding. I teared up and drove off with a wistful smile. 

Brad left this world last fall and we all miss him so deeply it physically hurts.  The weeks after he left were the saddest of my life, I saw him and felt him everywhere.  I started writing down all the “Heavenly Hugs” that we got throughout the day because I never wanted to forget them or second guess the miracle of them when looking back later in life. 

The day of his funeral services, I arrived a few hours early.  After sitting in an empty parking lot for a bit, I got the courage to go inside and ask if I could see him.  Walking up to his casket in the quiet room, I swear I could hear him chuckling at me in his good natured way, knowing I would do this.

“Did you make it to heaven okay my friend?  Why did you have to get there before the rest of us?”

They say you can drown in two inches of water, it doesn’t have to be a flood, but water steadily flapping at our ankles. Grief seems to be the same. Grief can drown us, yet doesn’t kill us. It keeps us submerged for long enough that we forget what air and sunshine feels like.  Grief sets it’s own timeline, and the only way out is through. 

On the drive out to our family Deer Camp, there are huge piles of sand that have been there for some time. Deep crevices, and gullies have formed in the hills.  I think that is what a grieving heart looks like. Withered and dehydrated as it is enduring the hardships of bad weather and the scorching sun. 

Desolate. 

After Brad’s service, several of us went to find dinner. We ended up at a hole in the wall Mexican food restaurant (later learning it was Brad’s local favorite).  We gathered around the table, somber and quiet. We slowly started reminiscing and telling stories of our beloved friend.  Laughter ensued at the sweet memories of a childhood well lived. 

Crevice by crevice, our hearts have slowly plumped back up. Never to where they were before, but instead of craters there are the cracks that heartbreak brings.  We linked arms and grieved together which makes it closer to bearable.

The worst days ahead were watching his family live without him. His beautiful, beloved wife holding her head high as she has to go on raising their boys who they love so fiercely. His daughter and sons, figuring out how to continue to live without their biggest fan having an earthly voice.

We have learned how to honor Brad the most by continuing to live. We continue to live, laugh, love, and learn because his time doing that here has passed. They say grief is the receipt of how much you love a person. If that is true, we would do it all over again. It was worth it. I would only have loved deeper and wider. 

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Brad Haugen. Thank you for all the love and lessons. Thank you for your friendship. Life is moving at a rapid speed, and yet you still manage to get our attention and make us smile. All the way from heaven. I hope you’re showing someone up there how to perfect the Happy Gilmore swing.

*Recently Brad’s oldest son celebrated the end of 5th grade with a Bon Voyage celebration. They dressed up in Hawaiian shirts, Eli asked to wear the one he got his dad for his birthday last year. When I saw Vanessa’s post, I immediately thought of a favorite picture of Brad and their boys. I know he is so proud of all of them.

 

**Quote from Reminders of Him by Colleen Hoover

June 20, 2022 by
Family, Grace, Lessons, Love, Parenting

Glimpses of Glory

I’ve recently learned a secret.  Perhaps the last on earth to know.

Adult children still require parenting.

On one hand, I’m really thrilled about this, as I’m not ready to be done. 

On the other, I think it’s rude and a bit overwhelming.

In case your angels are still little, and you are thinking I’m horrible for having another hand of feelings other than joy, allow me to wearily continue. 

Parenting adults sometimes looks like this – 

Riding in the passenger seat, traveling at the speed of light.  Which turns out to be exactly 96 mph on the highway. Glancing over to notice your precious Man-baby is driving with his knees and looking at his phone anchored on the dashboard.  Instead of reaching for the ol’ faithful mom-gasp, you dig deeper for a calm voice and with white knuckles say, “Babe, you can drive 96 mph, and you can watch America’s Next Top Model.  But, you may not do both at the same time.”

Luckily, the end result is them rolling their eyes, pulling over and giving you reign of the wheel.  Because isn’t that what we are most comfortable with? 

On the other hand…Parenting adults sometimes looks like a glimpse of pure sunshine. 

Recently we met a large group of folks out for dinner.  We happened to have all children in town for the evening and told them to stop by and join us.  It was a casual dinner at a fun restaurant, where everyone can go order their own food at their own pace.  We were settled in for the long haul, relaxing and visiting with friends as the boys joined us one by one.  As they each came in our boys took their hats off, shook hands with the adults, made eye contact, smiled, and appropriate small talk.  Angels sang as their parents inwardly rejoiced, for on this night, all boys remembered the manners taught to them.

As the evening went on, I kept overhearing a guy at the next table quoting scripture to his friend.  A lot of it.  His quoting voice was a little sharp and hard.  He kept looking over at one of my handsome sons who has his own beautiful, unique style. This night’s attire could be categorized as “Homeless Chic” – an oversized t-shirt that could fit all the neighborhood children, shorts, layers of earrings and necklaces, complete with a bandana tied around his head as if he were about to head to an audition of the next Karate Kid remake.

I ignored the mans stares, figuring he was also a fan of Mr. Miyagi.  I mean, who isn’t?

Another one of our boys came in, kindly saying hello to everyone before sitting down to eat. This darling of ours is a huge Man-child.  He is 6’3” and works out like a beast. He also eats like one, reminding me often that I “don’t have to be hungry to eat” and other crazy things kids say these days.  

The man at the next table ramped up the scripture quoting as he continued to stare at our family.  This time I figured he was simply intrigued by the beautiful sleeves of tattoos down Man-Child’s huge arms, each one telling their own story.  Stories that belong to the sweet soul those muscles carry around.

We ignored that man all night.  His judgment, his self righteous bible quoting, the anger and irritation that radiated off of him, and the dirty looks he returned my smiles with.  We focused on the friends who found the treasures these boys hold. 

When we left, I couldn’t quit replaying the night in my head.  Then I got mad.

Really mad.  

And then I got sad.  

Really, really sad. 

I think the man believed he was doing right for the Kingdom.  I believe he was quoting scripture as he understands it.  I believe he was sticking close to his beliefs and faith, holding on to them with a clenched fist.  Gripping his beliefs so tight that Jesus slipped right out of his fingers, as there was zero evidence that comes from a relationship with our Gentle Savor..  None of the softness that comes from knowing Him.  No acceptance or love.

Jesus was present though. He was shining through all the decorations on our grown children. Their kindness. Their gentleness. Their willingness to drive in town, on their own gas, to eat with the parentals. Their obedience and manners.  Their love. Their acceptance of themselves and everyone else at the table, old or not.

If Jesus had come in to eat and drink wine on tap, I can’t help but think he would have chosen to sit at the boys table.

To answer the question that covered every bracelet and bookmark from the 90’s – #WWJD?

#HWLF

He would love first. He always does.

What if that is all we had to do? Love, above all things.

It would definitely free up more of our time to parent.

Apparently that job never ends.

*There is an adult pictured above that I do not parent. He has two parents that have raised him, Chad helped for a few years and I am simply an extra that gets to enjoy him. I am the mom in this house though, therefore sometimes he gets grouped in with the others.

**Photo By Marlo Collins

April 18, 2021 by
Family, Gifts, Grace, Gratitude, Growth, Lessons, Love, Patience, Rest, Stillness

Grounded in 2020

God speaks to me strongest through his creation.  I love nature – rocks, animals, trees, water, crystals, grass…all the simple beauty.  Chances are, when you see me, I have some form of nature in my pocket reminding me to stay grounded.  A rock, a feather from a bird, a seed from a plant…they bring me peace.  We can all get a little too full of hot, stagnant air from time to time.  We allow monkeys that are not from our own circus to jump on our back. We worry, and then we worry. When that doesn’t work, we worry some more.

Nature is a way of remembering what is mine and what is important.  Staying grounded is vital for my own spiritual health.

There is often a mantra being repeated in my head, “What’s mine is mine. What’s yours is yours.”

Keep your crap over there Karen. 

Nature reminds us to be steady. Nature is audacious in its perseverance. In its bounce back ability.

This is definitely a time to focus on staying grounded, as nothing is solid. We are in a time where everything in our country and counties are changing by the hour. No rhyme or reason or warning. Just when we think we have a plan, the rug is once again pulled out from underneath our feet. It’s like trying to stand up on a lily pad. Everything is contradicting. We are left grasping on to the yin and the yang.

Nothing is certain or permanent.

Everyone’s pain is relevant. Everyone’s confusion is relevant. Grace is required and appreciated.

We need to get good at loving. We need to get resilient at surviving heartbreak, accepting what we can and can’t control. There is a peace and freedom in letting go of our plan and picture of what we envisioned 2020 would look like and savoring the joy that we can find in the wake of it.

The funny thing is, we’ve never had full control, in any year. Life can knock us down at any point, and just when we get our footing again, it’ll knock you from the other side. We know this, as we’ve all been knocked on our own behinds. Perhaps that’s why there is extra cushion there. Clever God, that guy thought of everything. I’m positive that’s why my backside has grown as I’ve aged, continued training for bounce back ability.

The one certain that hasn’t changed is the love and nature of God.

We can stay grounded in that. And on the hard days that knock us on our padded bottoms, get outside. Walk barefoot in the grass. Sit by some water and listen to it. Find a tree and lean against it in the shade. There is a reason tree huggers are happy. Find a pretty rock and hold it in your pocket. If you don’t have a pocket, put it in your bra. (Pro tip – take it out before going through airport security.) Lift your face up to feel the sunshine. Watch the moon glowing on our sweet world. Let the outdoors slow you down. Take a lesson from God’s nature and become a Champ at loving.

I’ll leave you with the weekly words from our boys Lorena Athletic Director and beloved Coach Ray Biles,

“Don’t worry about the things you cannot control, focus on the things you can control. It may change tomorrow. It may change the day after that, but you know the good Lord is in control and we’ll all be okay.”

Sending you love, light, and pretty rocks,

Brooke

July 28, 2020 by
Family, Lessons, Love, Parenting, Patience, Priorities

Steering Wheels and Parenting

One of my least favorite things about Motherhood, is the sinking feeling that as they are growing up, I am being broken up with.  On a gradual, but daily basis. The kind of break up where it’s not you, it’s them.  They think you are sweet, yet a tad simple minded.  They are just going to back away a tiny bit each day, hoping that you’ll find a new hobby or even adopt a new kid to absorb some of the suffocating love bestowed. 

I know this is part of life, it’s the exact season in which cuss words were invented, because it stinks.  It’s bittersweet.  It’s mentally exhausting reminding oneself that while the precious darling “knows it all”, his brain has not fully developed. It’s sad to see the finish line of this phase ahead. And yet, I love it.  I love teenagers. I love our boys. And while the Titanic of childhood disappears into the ocean, I will share my raft and never, ever let them go.

Our full house is dwindling.  Parenting teenagers and adult children is a whole different ball game from raising little ones.  When they are little tykes, each day is 131 years long.  When they are teenagers, it’s like stepping on the walking belt at the airport – life is lived at double time speed.  You are just trying to balance on the moving belt, wistfully smiling over at the tiptoeing parents of toddlers and saying annoying things like, “The days are long, but the years are short!  Enjoy!” 

Raising children is like driving a car.  Exciting, fast, slow, scary…all of it.  The great thing about driving is that there are usually roads and lines to drive on and in between, guiding you where you are going.  There is a steering wheel, blinkers, a gas pedal, and brake.  Brakes are important here – when life gets fast, parents can pump the brakes.  There are seatbelts and airbags to somewhat protect them. You can dial down the sound on the radio or specific friendships your children have.  You have more control than when they are teens and adult children.  As much control as you have while driving a car – not all the control, as accidents and blowouts sadly happen, but more control than you soon will have.

Because, if we are lucky….those little angel babies grow up.

Teenagers and then adults. 

Parenting a young adult looks different.  You are on different ground.  In fact, you aren’t even on the ground. You are treading water, hope you can swim.

Parenting a young adult is like driving a boat.  Climb on in.  There are no roads, no lines, no concrete boundaries to guide your steering.  There are no seat belts or airbags, just grab a life vest which resembles prayer. Most importantly, there is no brake.  Zero.  You have to measure and judge when you let off the gas accordingly, and “catch” the boat before you crash into the dock.  Sometimes this works, sometimes not – it depends on who is driving and who is catching.  There is a gas pedal to use. But again, no brake.   Sometimes the depth finder shocks you at the level of your perfectly intelligent child’s thoughts, and you will burst with pride…only to be jarred out of it by unexpectedly docking on a sand bar.  Sometimes you are rocked outside of the boat, simply treading water until you figure out how to get back in.   Hold on to the life vest of prayer for extra security measures.  A life vest can’t breathe life back into us, but it can keep us afloat with hope while things get worked out. 

The scariest thing about large bodies of water is not knowing what is going on underneath. What is hidden, what is hiding, what should be avoided, predators, secrets, rocks, icebergs…it’s all there. Sometimes we don’t like the direction the boat is going or the passengers that are allowed on. Love, wisdom, prayers, and patience are huge here, lean into those. As parents, we only see what is on top of the water. If we pay attention, we can sometimes recognize the swirling of the current going on underneath. Other times, we are surprised by a sudden wave we didn’t see coming. Again, life vest of prayer – make sure everyone is holding on tightly. Grab two if needed.

While you are looking for land to dock for a bit, lean into friends who love your children well.  Have a mentor or two that gives GOOD, REAL, and TRUE advice.  Recently, seemingly stranded on a shallow sand bar with a child of ours, I texted my friend Marlo, who is a fellow boy-mom, out of exhaustion asking for advice.  Her reply was to get to the heart of the problem rather than focusing on the issue and, “…love him through every step.  Love him harder when he tries taking them two at a time.  Even harder when he slips on one.”

Hold on to wise friends like those.  Especially the funny ones who can make light of a heavy situation and help you look at it from a different view, rather than the tunnel vision that we can get lost in.

“Chaos can be beautiful if you love all your ingredients.” 

How beautiful is that thought?  Life is sometimes messy, we can’t always avoid the chaos or waves.  However, the chaos isn’t as loud if you love all your ingredients.

Just keep showing up and driving the boat.  The ride is worth it.  

February 20, 2020 by