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Boundaries, Character, Growth, Lessons, Patience, Prayer, Uncategorized

The Highish Road

Let’s be honest…

The high road is not known for being fun and flashy. 

It’s dusty and less traveled enough to not even have a speed limit.

There is no “entrance high” when ramping onto the high road.  If we got the same kick out of taking the high road than we do taking the Loop around Austin, more people would gladly choose it.   Most times there isn’t even a buzz 100 miles into the journey.  It usually comes much later, when looking back and understanding the sanity and peace of traveling this dumb road.  More importantly, the necessity of the LESSON which ended you up on the highish road. 

Truthfully, most times I’d rather just take the Middle Road. Where you can at least get by with a clever snapback.  Because man, there are some good ones for all the Karens and Janets.  

I’ve found myself more times in the swamp.  Not being able to quiet that sharp tongue.  Which never ends up feeling good.  It’s like missing the exit for the Loop and getting stuck in the muck of traffic, downtown Austin. When everything is blurted and off your chest, you think you’ll be free as a lark, instead you feel as low as a toad. 

That being said, I don’t know which road this essay puts me on.  I’m aiming for a higher one.  My hope is to share a little in hopes to help gracefully release some old tie downs that could be holding us back.   

Next to the trinity of my Maker, my husband and boys – extended family and friendships mean everything to me.  Every single thing.  Until they threaten the 5 things in front of them. 

I have created some sturdy boundaries, built through the years which have strengthened me to release some relationships that aren’t healthy for my family or our peace. 

When one continues to speak poorly about your family or children…release them.  It only seems reasonable to recognize their Exit sign.  According to their choices, they chose to sit in an Exit row, accepted the guidelines from the cute flight attendant (think 1980s stewardess here) when moving to that seat, and therefore pulled their own cord to exit your airplane.  Bless them as they float away. 

One can quietly honor the duration of a relationship, including the sharing that happened within it, and 100% be walking yourself and family back to your own bubble of peace, sanity and home.  Even when we are mentally on an airplane where you can’t control the roster or seating arrangement, we can close our eyes and visualize yourself walking back to 1st class, and pulling the curtain closed behind you. Like in the movie Bridesmaids, some of the noisy ones are in coach – ready to par-tay with your emotions and life when you just desperately need silence, peace, air pods, and maybe a glass of wine.

Even when others won’t take themselves on a road a little higher, YOU can. I’d like to think it’s possible that when we choose the elevated path, we can silently wish the person who put you on it would go climb a really tall and really thick cactus. I haven’t confirmed this, but feel God might overlook the later because of the earlier? I don’t know, maybe do your own prayer time on that.

Brene Brown tells us that when we are nervous, we always revert back to our highest level of training.  I think this also works with emotional training.  If we are in the habit of choosing our prayers, our words, our friends, our actions, our habits, and our surroundings wisely…we can slowly create a solid character that wouldn’t dream of taking any other path.

Wouldn’t it be nice to always travel the speedy loop?  To stay grounded and pay attention to the exits given which lead us to those highish paths.  They aren’t always the easiest, but they always end up bringing the most peace. Always. I wish that peace for you friend.

*In complete transparency…

This essay was written a long while ago. It was snappy, written in the weeds of hurt feelings and anger. It was written because I had begrudgingly ended up on the high road. I wanted off of it, and this essay was my ticket. A friend encouraged me to sit on it because she thought I was better than that. Or perhaps hoped me to be? After rolling my eyes and presenting a strong argument that I definitely was not better… I relented. I sat on it, occasionally going back to remove a sharp elbow, one at a time. A dagger here, a swift kick there – all sad feelings processed individually and worked through. Until eventually, I didn’t feel anger or sadness when reading it. Just resolve wrapped in peace.

**Photo by my crazy talented friend Gary Richardson

February 12, 2021 by
Family, Gifts, Grace, Gratitude, Growth, Lessons, Love, Patience, Rest, Stillness

Grounded in 2020

God speaks to me strongest through his creation.  I love nature – rocks, animals, trees, water, crystals, grass…all the simple beauty.  Chances are, when you see me, I have some form of nature in my pocket reminding me to stay grounded.  A rock, a feather from a bird, a seed from a plant…they bring me peace.  We can all get a little too full of hot, stagnant air from time to time.  We allow monkeys that are not from our own circus to jump on our back. We worry, and then we worry. When that doesn’t work, we worry some more.

Nature is a way of remembering what is mine and what is important.  Staying grounded is vital for my own spiritual health.

There is often a mantra being repeated in my head, “What’s mine is mine. What’s yours is yours.”

Keep your crap over there Karen. 

Nature reminds us to be steady. Nature is audacious in its perseverance. In its bounce back ability.

This is definitely a time to focus on staying grounded, as nothing is solid. We are in a time where everything in our country and counties are changing by the hour. No rhyme or reason or warning. Just when we think we have a plan, the rug is once again pulled out from underneath our feet. It’s like trying to stand up on a lily pad. Everything is contradicting. We are left grasping on to the yin and the yang.

Nothing is certain or permanent.

Everyone’s pain is relevant. Everyone’s confusion is relevant. Grace is required and appreciated.

We need to get good at loving. We need to get resilient at surviving heartbreak, accepting what we can and can’t control. There is a peace and freedom in letting go of our plan and picture of what we envisioned 2020 would look like and savoring the joy that we can find in the wake of it.

The funny thing is, we’ve never had full control, in any year. Life can knock us down at any point, and just when we get our footing again, it’ll knock you from the other side. We know this, as we’ve all been knocked on our own behinds. Perhaps that’s why there is extra cushion there. Clever God, that guy thought of everything. I’m positive that’s why my backside has grown as I’ve aged, continued training for bounce back ability.

The one certain that hasn’t changed is the love and nature of God.

We can stay grounded in that. And on the hard days that knock us on our padded bottoms, get outside. Walk barefoot in the grass. Sit by some water and listen to it. Find a tree and lean against it in the shade. There is a reason tree huggers are happy. Find a pretty rock and hold it in your pocket. If you don’t have a pocket, put it in your bra. (Pro tip – take it out before going through airport security.) Lift your face up to feel the sunshine. Watch the moon glowing on our sweet world. Let the outdoors slow you down. Take a lesson from God’s nature and become a Champ at loving.

I’ll leave you with the weekly words from our boys Lorena Athletic Director and beloved Coach Ray Biles,

“Don’t worry about the things you cannot control, focus on the things you can control. It may change tomorrow. It may change the day after that, but you know the good Lord is in control and we’ll all be okay.”

Sending you love, light, and pretty rocks,

Brooke

July 28, 2020 by
Family, Lessons, Love, Parenting, Patience, Priorities

Steering Wheels and Parenting

One of my least favorite things about Motherhood, is the sinking feeling that as they are growing up, I am being broken up with.  On a gradual, but daily basis. The kind of break up where it’s not you, it’s them.  They think you are sweet, yet a tad simple minded.  They are just going to back away a tiny bit each day, hoping that you’ll find a new hobby or even adopt a new kid to absorb some of the suffocating love bestowed. 

I know this is part of life, it’s the exact season in which cuss words were invented, because it stinks.  It’s bittersweet.  It’s mentally exhausting reminding oneself that while the precious darling “knows it all”, his brain has not fully developed. It’s sad to see the finish line of this phase ahead. And yet, I love it.  I love teenagers. I love our boys. And while the Titanic of childhood disappears into the ocean, I will share my raft and never, ever let them go.

Our full house is dwindling.  Parenting teenagers and adult children is a whole different ball game from raising little ones.  When they are little tykes, each day is 131 years long.  When they are teenagers, it’s like stepping on the walking belt at the airport – life is lived at double time speed.  You are just trying to balance on the moving belt, wistfully smiling over at the tiptoeing parents of toddlers and saying annoying things like, “The days are long, but the years are short!  Enjoy!” 

Raising children is like driving a car.  Exciting, fast, slow, scary…all of it.  The great thing about driving is that there are usually roads and lines to drive on and in between, guiding you where you are going.  There is a steering wheel, blinkers, a gas pedal, and brake.  Brakes are important here – when life gets fast, parents can pump the brakes.  There are seatbelts and airbags to somewhat protect them. You can dial down the sound on the radio or specific friendships your children have.  You have more control than when they are teens and adult children.  As much control as you have while driving a car – not all the control, as accidents and blowouts sadly happen, but more control than you soon will have.

Because, if we are lucky….those little angel babies grow up.

Teenagers and then adults. 

Parenting a young adult looks different.  You are on different ground.  In fact, you aren’t even on the ground. You are treading water, hope you can swim.

Parenting a young adult is like driving a boat.  Climb on in.  There are no roads, no lines, no concrete boundaries to guide your steering.  There are no seat belts or airbags, just grab a life vest which resembles prayer. Most importantly, there is no brake.  Zero.  You have to measure and judge when you let off the gas accordingly, and “catch” the boat before you crash into the dock.  Sometimes this works, sometimes not – it depends on who is driving and who is catching.  There is a gas pedal to use. But again, no brake.   Sometimes the depth finder shocks you at the level of your perfectly intelligent child’s thoughts, and you will burst with pride…only to be jarred out of it by unexpectedly docking on a sand bar.  Sometimes you are rocked outside of the boat, simply treading water until you figure out how to get back in.   Hold on to the life vest of prayer for extra security measures.  A life vest can’t breathe life back into us, but it can keep us afloat with hope while things get worked out. 

The scariest thing about large bodies of water is not knowing what is going on underneath. What is hidden, what is hiding, what should be avoided, predators, secrets, rocks, icebergs…it’s all there. Sometimes we don’t like the direction the boat is going or the passengers that are allowed on. Love, wisdom, prayers, and patience are huge here, lean into those. As parents, we only see what is on top of the water. If we pay attention, we can sometimes recognize the swirling of the current going on underneath. Other times, we are surprised by a sudden wave we didn’t see coming. Again, life vest of prayer – make sure everyone is holding on tightly. Grab two if needed.

While you are looking for land to dock for a bit, lean into friends who love your children well.  Have a mentor or two that gives GOOD, REAL, and TRUE advice.  Recently, seemingly stranded on a shallow sand bar with a child of ours, I texted my friend Marlo, who is a fellow boy-mom, out of exhaustion asking for advice.  Her reply was to get to the heart of the problem rather than focusing on the issue and, “…love him through every step.  Love him harder when he tries taking them two at a time.  Even harder when he slips on one.”

Hold on to wise friends like those.  Especially the funny ones who can make light of a heavy situation and help you look at it from a different view, rather than the tunnel vision that we can get lost in.

“Chaos can be beautiful if you love all your ingredients.” 

How beautiful is that thought?  Life is sometimes messy, we can’t always avoid the chaos or waves.  However, the chaos isn’t as loud if you love all your ingredients.

Just keep showing up and driving the boat.  The ride is worth it.  

February 20, 2020 by
Boundaries, Crazy Cycle, Growth, Lessons, Love, Patience

Cheap and Chewed

A spiritual, intentional life isn’t one without drama.  However, it can be one without cheap drama.  I’ve arrived at this lesson slower than a tortoise, but with burnt hands, I lift them and say no more to cheap drama.

You can do the same.

Here is the deal…Life naturally brings drama.

Some of your best and most loved people are going to pass on to the next life, without your permission.  Your beloved pets too.  When you are healing from these deep cuts, life can still teach you even more heart ache.  Grey’s Anatomy taught us that real life drama takes few breaks.  Remember Denny?  I’m still not over losing him.

Your heart is going to break several times in this life.  It is also going to mend – never the same, but shockingly, it pieces back together in a similar shape. Covered in wounds and scars which give it texture. And stories that can create tenderness or bitterness, depending on which we choose.

Your plate is going to be full. Your kids are going to be crazy.  In fact, if you are a mom, or parent children in any way, you will learn our darlings come packaged with their own level of drama.  Tied with a ribbon labeled “You’re Welcome.”

People are going to dislike you.  Forsake you. You will be misrepresented in a few tales. Some people will try to hand you their messes.

The good news is you can say no and turn away from cheap drama.  Your no can be silent yet definite.  You don’t have to make a point or lesson for another, you can choose differently and hand them back their own work to do. Continue Reading

March 5, 2019 by
Family, Love, Parenting, Patience

My Favorite Child…Bonus edition

A few months ago, I overheard a conversation while away on a girlfriend weekend in the Texas Hill Country.  I had taken a phone call in the next room, and was walking back to join the gals when I heard them discussing the issue of having a favorite child, and if they had to choose one, which it would be.  I was chuckling on the inside, and then I heard one of them say, “Which one would be Brooke’s favorite?”  I stopped, wanting to hear who the lucky boy was.  After a pause, another one answered with, “She doesn’t really have a favorite, she is pretty equal with all of them.”

It was the best and sweetest compliment I’ve ever received.  Especially from those gals, as they know the good, bad, and ugly of me.  We are all moms and two of them occupy the same boat I do – Bonus Mom.  It is crazy that two of my best friends also married men who have custody of their children.  We end up spending more time with our bonus babies than we do our biological babies.  You will never hear me complain about this, I didn’t have children to get every other weekend off.

When Hubs and I got married and blended our boys, I did it without any hesitation.  I have always loved kids and kids seem to love me, so I figured how hard could this be?  After a couple of months into our blending I realized that being a Bonus Mom would teach me more about the patient side of love than anything else could.  For the record, we do not usually refer to any child in our home as a Bonus Boy – but to save confusion and to make a point, for this post I will – besides, who doesn’t love an added Bonus?!  Especially for extra credit.

I made several mistakes in our first year.  A lot of them stemmed from the assumption that he chose me, when in actuality, none of our children chose to have a Bonus Parent.  Hubs and I carefully chose each other.  We were crazy in love, but more importantly – we trusted the other would value and love our child(ren), and made the decision to unite with that belief.  Four years in, we know we have had it easier than some in blending a family.  It has still been a learning curve. I rarely give advice, as I usually realize what an idiot I was yesterday – the following are lessons we’ve learned thus far.

Mistake #1 – I came in hot.

Lesson #1 – Don’t come in hot.

I laugh when I look back at my naivety.   I mom so hard, so I just assumed my 10-year-old Bonus Boy got the memo that I was a good one. At first, I was confused that he had to warm up to me and figure out who I was, how I was going to change his life, and where I was going to fit in.  Trust was earned slowly.  Somedays were slower than others.

Forgive me for making the following comparison, but for me – everything is related back to animals.  I’ve rescued a lot of animals.  At the beginning of saving/adopting one, they are usually timid.  Some have been abandoned or mistreated, and have trust issues.  If I came in aggressive – even aggressively loving – they would shrink back or run and hide.  Most of the time, if you just be yourself and sit still, they will figure out you are not a threat to them and eventually will warm up to you.

For my Bio Boys, they know mom is going to constantly hug and kiss their faces – I come in hot on a daily basis, since they were born.  They had a head start on my Bonus Boy, who moved in and thought I had lost my mind.  For years it had just been him and his dad (and an amazing grandmother, an Aunt/Cousin hybrid, and extended family), but now this crazy “Bonus Mom” was always hiding around the corner, grabbing hugs and planting kisses on his head whenever she wanted.

Word of Advice – CHILL.  Walk into your new traditions slowly.  Let them know you love them in small, subtle ways, I promise they will not go unnoticed.  They are watching you, waiting for your crazy to come out, expecting your crazy to come out.  Give them their space to learn and navigate this new journey, and show them the respect that you want in return.

 

Lesson #2 – You are not your Bonus Child’s disciplinarian

Thankfully, we had an amazing counselor give us this advice, and we followed it. In our house, the biological parent does the disciplining.  While we have boundaries of requiring respect from all children, it’s not the Bonus Parent’s job to come down hard.  I have watched this in other families and I want to immediately arrest them, take away the sweet label of Bonus Parent, and slap them with the Step Mom/Dad title.

Bonus Parents, please hear me when I lovingly say this – Unless that child does not remember a time without you in their life – meaning you have been there since infanthood – disciplining is not your job.  I don’t care the situation, back off.  Hand that responsibility back to your spouse, the biological parent.  This requires A LOT of communication between the parents on how to handle specific situations that arise, but surely us adults can do that right?  It is definitely a tight rope of supporting without overstepping, but you can do it.

We have not dealt with an outright disrespectful child.  So, if that is your issue, I encourage you to seek a professional for advice.  I just slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night, who am I to know?  We have dealt with a cranky kid who has been disrespectful, in that case we fall back to how we would treat anyone who isn’t respectful in our house.  Tar and feather them.

I’m kidding.  We are clear on our expectations of respect and rules.  Here is what is required in our home.  Tone of voice is also important in any situation.  Kids are not dumb, they are actually brilliant.  They know if you like them, they know if you are pretending in front of their parent – if you aren’t being honest, they will take note.  If this is the case, go gather yourself, do some soul searching and praying.  I encourage you to simply realize that you are dealing with children, be loving.  You can be a stern fist if you want and let everyone know you run the show, but you won’t earn their love with that hardness.  Be flexible.

 

Lesson #3 – Be Fair

I don’t do everything right – but I am fair.  What I do for one child, I will do for all.  They have the same rules (or will, when they get to that age).  I just want my tombstone to be honest, “She loved us in a big way, she was fair, and she leaves behind a big closet.”, so that’s how I live.  I understand that not every situation has all the children living in the same house, which would create some creativity in equality.  I can only give advice on what I know, and that is them being under the same roof.  BE FAIR.  If you let one do something, then sister (or brother), you’d better let them all.  Don’t be sneaky either.  Nothing makes me sadder or madder than watching kids be treated different or unequal.  If you aren’t feeling that bond with your Bonus Baby, then FIGURE IT OUT.  Fight for it.  Find a common ground and build from there.  I promise it is so worth it.  When a teenager – bio or bonus – chooses to spend time with you, that is the biggest compliment of LIFE.

 

Lesson #4 – Do not talk negative about the other Parent.

This goes for EVERY PARENT, Bonus or Bio.

I don’t care what your opinion of their other parent is, it needs to be kept to yourself.  If you and your spouse need to communicate frustrations behind a closed door – knock yourself out.  But that baby better not hear it.  Or feel it.  And don’t be sneaky with the passive aggressive comments either.  KIDS ARE BRILLANT – they see you, they feel every single comment.  Because guess what?   They are half that person, and if you are talking bad about their parent, they will internalize it as there must be something wrong with them as well.

My biological parents divorced when I was 8 months old. I didn’t hear many positive things about my biological dad until after he had died.  My mom was young and didn’t know any better, but I felt every single negative comment about him.  I didn’t realize this at the time, but what I did recognize was that it didn’t feel good to hear bad things about him.  I don’t think I truly paid attention to how it made me feel until I was a divorced adult myself, and had to chose my words carefully, even when I was madder than a hornet.  My biological parent’s situation was different than my children’s, and I know my mom had a lot of frustrations, they were just hard to hear.

I’m not saying you have to lie and sugar coat things about an absentee parent.  If the child needs to talk, listen and validate their feelings.  But don’t add your opinion or manipulate the situation.  Divorce is hard enough for them to maneuver through, don’t add more junk.

 

Lesson #5 – You are not in competition with your spouse’s child(ren)

I’ve seen this enough times to say…STOP IT.  That child was there before you.  They need some quality time with their parent, alone, without you.  Create a space for that to happen and support it.  You are an adult, do not make a child feel that they are in competition for their parent’s time, love, and attention.  “Anything that feeds a rivalry will corrupt your strength.”*  Be an adult.  Take the egos out of this and build a strong family.

In the end, kindness covers a lot.  When in doubt, reach for kindness.  We will never have all the answers, nor will we always know the right thing to do or say.  In the beginning, it may seem that you will never get through all the hurdles – show them and yourself grace as you navigate through them.  For those who do the work that someone else has the title for…show up as a safe haven, not a mini savior.  No one needs a mini-savior, yet everyone could appreciate a safe haven.

Our Bonus Boys are definitely a bonus – they are little extensions of the spouse we chose and married. There is such a sweet side of loving a child that is shared with you, and being loved in return.

*Lisa Bevere

 

 

April 16, 2018 by