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Friendship, Lessons, Love, Prayer

Happy Gilmore Grief

“Maybe it doesn’t matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign, maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can.  And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them.”

I pulled out of my neighborhood one morning recently, to see two guys in the pasture across the way making erratic movements with their bodies. I kept watching, trying to figure out if they were fighting, dancing, or having synchronized seizures. After a bit I realized they had golf clubs in their hands, one was teaching the other how to swing like Happy Gilmore.

I had to smile. Our friend Brad had the Happy Gilmore swing down to an art, it was one of the first things Chad experienced when meeting him on the golf course the day of our wedding. I teared up and drove off with a wistful smile. 

Brad left this world last fall and we all miss him so deeply it physically hurts.  The weeks after he left were the saddest of my life, I saw him and felt him everywhere.  I started writing down all the “Heavenly Hugs” that we got throughout the day because I never wanted to forget them or second guess the miracle of them when looking back later in life. 

The day of his funeral services, I arrived a few hours early.  After sitting in an empty parking lot for a bit, I got the courage to go inside and ask if I could see him.  Walking up to his casket in the quiet room, I swear I could hear him chuckling at me in his good natured way, knowing I would do this.

“Did you make it to heaven okay my friend?  Why did you have to get there before the rest of us?”

They say you can drown in two inches of water, it doesn’t have to be a flood, but water steadily flapping at our ankles. Grief seems to be the same. Grief can drown us, yet doesn’t kill us. It keeps us submerged for long enough that we forget what air and sunshine feels like.  Grief sets it’s own timeline, and the only way out is through. 

On the drive out to our family Deer Camp, there are huge piles of sand that have been there for some time. Deep crevices, and gullies have formed in the hills.  I think that is what a grieving heart looks like. Withered and dehydrated as it is enduring the hardships of bad weather and the scorching sun. 

Desolate. 

After Brad’s service, several of us went to find dinner. We ended up at a hole in the wall Mexican food restaurant (later learning it was Brad’s local favorite).  We gathered around the table, somber and quiet. We slowly started reminiscing and telling stories of our beloved friend.  Laughter ensued at the sweet memories of a childhood well lived. 

Crevice by crevice, our hearts have slowly plumped back up. Never to where they were before, but instead of craters there are the cracks that heartbreak brings.  We linked arms and grieved together which makes it closer to bearable.

The worst days ahead were watching his family live without him. His beautiful, beloved wife holding her head high as she has to go on raising their boys who they love so fiercely. His daughter and sons, figuring out how to continue to live without their biggest fan having an earthly voice.

We have learned how to honor Brad the most by continuing to live. We continue to live, laugh, love, and learn because his time doing that here has passed. They say grief is the receipt of how much you love a person. If that is true, we would do it all over again. It was worth it. I would only have loved deeper and wider. 

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Brad Haugen. Thank you for all the love and lessons. Thank you for your friendship. Life is moving at a rapid speed, and yet you still manage to get our attention and make us smile. All the way from heaven. I hope you’re showing someone up there how to perfect the Happy Gilmore swing.

*Recently Brad’s oldest son celebrated the end of 5th grade with a Bon Voyage celebration. They dressed up in Hawaiian shirts, Eli asked to wear the one he got his dad for his birthday last year. When I saw Vanessa’s post, I immediately thought of a favorite picture of Brad and their boys. I know he is so proud of all of them.

 

**Quote from Reminders of Him by Colleen Hoover

June 20, 2022 by
Boundaries, Character, Growth, Lessons, Patience, Prayer, Uncategorized

The Highish Road

Let’s be honest…

The high road is not known for being fun and flashy. 

It’s dusty and less traveled enough to not even have a speed limit.

There is no “entrance high” when ramping onto the high road.  If we got the same kick out of taking the high road than we do taking the Loop around Austin, more people would gladly choose it.   Most times there isn’t even a buzz 100 miles into the journey.  It usually comes much later, when looking back and understanding the sanity and peace of traveling this dumb road.  More importantly, the necessity of the LESSON which ended you up on the highish road. 

Truthfully, most times I’d rather just take the Middle Road. Where you can at least get by with a clever snapback.  Because man, there are some good ones for all the Karens and Janets.  

I’ve found myself more times in the swamp.  Not being able to quiet that sharp tongue.  Which never ends up feeling good.  It’s like missing the exit for the Loop and getting stuck in the muck of traffic, downtown Austin. When everything is blurted and off your chest, you think you’ll be free as a lark, instead you feel as low as a toad. 

That being said, I don’t know which road this essay puts me on.  I’m aiming for a higher one.  My hope is to share a little in hopes to help gracefully release some old tie downs that could be holding us back.   

Next to the trinity of my Maker, my husband and boys – extended family and friendships mean everything to me.  Every single thing.  Until they threaten the 5 things in front of them. 

I have created some sturdy boundaries, built through the years which have strengthened me to release some relationships that aren’t healthy for my family or our peace. 

When one continues to speak poorly about your family or children…release them.  It only seems reasonable to recognize their Exit sign.  According to their choices, they chose to sit in an Exit row, accepted the guidelines from the cute flight attendant (think 1980s stewardess here) when moving to that seat, and therefore pulled their own cord to exit your airplane.  Bless them as they float away. 

One can quietly honor the duration of a relationship, including the sharing that happened within it, and 100% be walking yourself and family back to your own bubble of peace, sanity and home.  Even when we are mentally on an airplane where you can’t control the roster or seating arrangement, we can close our eyes and visualize yourself walking back to 1st class, and pulling the curtain closed behind you. Like in the movie Bridesmaids, some of the noisy ones are in coach – ready to par-tay with your emotions and life when you just desperately need silence, peace, air pods, and maybe a glass of wine.

Even when others won’t take themselves on a road a little higher, YOU can. I’d like to think it’s possible that when we choose the elevated path, we can silently wish the person who put you on it would go climb a really tall and really thick cactus. I haven’t confirmed this, but feel God might overlook the later because of the earlier? I don’t know, maybe do your own prayer time on that.

Brene Brown tells us that when we are nervous, we always revert back to our highest level of training.  I think this also works with emotional training.  If we are in the habit of choosing our prayers, our words, our friends, our actions, our habits, and our surroundings wisely…we can slowly create a solid character that wouldn’t dream of taking any other path.

Wouldn’t it be nice to always travel the speedy loop?  To stay grounded and pay attention to the exits given which lead us to those highish paths.  They aren’t always the easiest, but they always end up bringing the most peace. Always. I wish that peace for you friend.

*In complete transparency…

This essay was written a long while ago. It was snappy, written in the weeds of hurt feelings and anger. It was written because I had begrudgingly ended up on the high road. I wanted off of it, and this essay was my ticket. A friend encouraged me to sit on it because she thought I was better than that. Or perhaps hoped me to be? After rolling my eyes and presenting a strong argument that I definitely was not better… I relented. I sat on it, occasionally going back to remove a sharp elbow, one at a time. A dagger here, a swift kick there – all sad feelings processed individually and worked through. Until eventually, I didn’t feel anger or sadness when reading it. Just resolve wrapped in peace.

**Photo by my crazy talented friend Gary Richardson

February 12, 2021 by
Gifts, Gratitude, Prayer

Take Your Gratitude Medicine

At some point in this past year, I have forgotten how to breathe.

Odd, since I don’t remember learning the first time around. It just came natural.  I’m not completely gasping like a fish out of water, but hang out somewhere in between a flopping trout and yoga zen.

Some have called this anxiety.  Since I don’t have time for anxiety, it can’t be that. I have heard several times one cannot be anxious and overflowing with gratitude at the same time. I haven’t fully bought in to this, but I’m going to try it.  What I do know, from years of experience, is what consumes our mind controls our life.  I want to be consumed with gratitude and allow that to take control.

So.

I’ve put in a heavenly request to change my default setting.  It is now set to gratitude.  I’ve let God and His host of angels know, but also need the extra accountability for when anxiety sets in. In case I can’t reach it or forget where it is, please hit my reset button.

I’ve had several versions of a Gratitude Journal. I’ve written a list in the morning to start my day off on a thankful note.  I’ve jotted down some grateful musings in the evening before bed, and followed it up with a prayer that God would heal and restore my heart while I sleep. When I’m upset, angry, or worried about something, and I remember (or am humbled enough) to physically write down 5 things I am thankful for in that moment – it truly changes the posture of my heart. Continue Reading

January 14, 2019 by
Character, Courage, Faith, Forgivness, Lessons, Love, Patience, Prayer, Renewed

Known for our Fruit…

“…by their fruit you will recognize them.”

If you spent more than a little time in Sunday school as a child you probably recited the fruits of the spirit.

You might have even made a craft, or your kids have, hung on the fridge as proof they are hopefully learning a lesson or two.  Lord knows I’ve failed at teaching mine as much as I should have.

This morning I sat down for some quiet time that usually seems to elude my schedule. I’m not in a current bible study and didn’t want to read any of the three books on my nightstand, so I just sat.  I sat and watched the rain come down outside.  In our back yard sits an apple tree that is on the struggle bus.  I got it for Hubs on our first anniversary to symbolize paper, the traditional one year anniversary gift.  Only we have been so busy watering and caring for our actual relationship and family that we’ve forgotten to care for the poor little apple tree.

I sat looking at the sticks that are hoping to grow apples and the question popped into my head,

“What fruit will you produce today?”.

Yikes.

“What fruit will you be recognized by?”

Ouch.   Stop it already.

Today I would be caught with rotten bananas, like the brown ones in my freezer waiting to be used for banana bread.  Why couldn’t you have caught me on a good day?  I have a couple of those on leap years.

Spiritual fruit cannot grow with an ego in the middle of it.

Someone wiser than I came up with the acronym for Ego = Edging God Out

Which is exactly what it does, it convinces us that we are most important, we deserve this, we earned it, our feelings matter most.  Our egos come in, edge the Divine out, and get our order of priorities all jacked up.

Self?  Let me check the list….Yes!  You go up here at the top, naturally.  Like the star on the Christmas tree.  Look at you shine sister.

Others?  What have you done for me lately?   Hmmmm… Go ahead and head down, third from the bottom rung.

Children?  Y’all are still here?  Good grief, haven’t we raised you already?  Get close to the top, I’ll put you on my shoulders and let you hold my star.

God?  Stick close in case I have a prayer will ya?  Thanks so much.  Also, could you stand where I bask in your glow?  It’s all about the lighting you know.  Did you hear me quote your bible verse from memory earlier?  How about that huh?

Bless.

Here’s the thing about our Ego.  It edges God out, but it also edges GROWTH out.  A fruit cannot grow with an ego in the middle of it.  Want to grow some fruit?  Dump the ego.

Don’t know where to start?  Throw out the “should haves” when it pertains to others, no one owes you anything.  A fact I continue to learn daily.  We were not promised a life without bad times.  We weren’t promised a Leave it to Beaver family, or a support system that looks like the traditional one in our mind.  No one comes to earth and escapes alive, or lives a life without sorrow.  Find your joy.  Even the worst of days has some joy tucked in the seams, even if it’s just a perfectly timed cup of caffeine.  Recognize and identify what makes your heart lighter.

Want to know some of what we ARE promised?

One who will fight for you…. Exodus 14:14.  Renewed strength …Isaiah 40.  A companion in fearful moments…Isaiah 41.  Unfailing love….Isaiah 54. Freedom….Isaiah 58. Wisdom.  Forgiveness.  Eternal life. Comfort. Refuge. Deliverance. Peace that transcends all understanding…and so much more.

Peace comes from remembering that only love is real.  Look past the surface and see the underlying truth…everyone is a child of God and filled with love.  It may be hidden behind our egos, but it was put there.  Love is there.  Look for the light within you and others.  Guess what water and light do?  They grow things…like fruit!

If you feel like our apple tree, take hope that God is in the business of growing.  He delights in gardening, ask for help in developing your orchard.  May we be recognized by our sweet fruit.

 

March 20, 2018 by
Family, Forgivness, Grace, Hope, Lessons, Love, Parenting, perfection, Prayer, Renewed

Sanitized Martha and Transforming Grace

Sunday morning started down a rough path…beginning on Saturday.  The oldest darling had sent me a text stating what his weekend plans were (with him now being an adult and all).  I replied that his social calendar was fine with me as long as he was asking and not telling, and that we were planning on going to church the next morning, so to make sure and factor that in. The whining that began was enough to make you want to donate your ears.  The arguments ranged from, “This is my only day this week to sleep in”, to “I don’t have anything clean to wear” to finally, “Are we going to the really EARLY service??”.

Irritated, (as he only goes to church with us twice a month due to our co-parenting schedule) I informed the entitled, overgrown tyke that we were going to the same service we always went to, then followed up with a short text telling him, “Don’t be a butt”.  Only I didn’t say butt.  Jesus fill the gaps.  (Feel free to message or email me for any further mothering tips.)  May God help me recognize earlier when to insert gentle teaching moments, as I clearly have some parental growing to do.  That is a scary realization when you have teenagers and hear the clock ticking down on your job being mostly done.

Mason has always referred to me as the “Blind Side Mom”, and I now see why.  I thought he had always based it on the “Get your feet off my dash.” line in the movie, also the fact that I will take in anyone – whether they have two legs or four.  I want to focus more on the opportunities for grace-filled, building moments and less snap-you-up moments.

Have you ever noticed that your attitude can sometimes determine your circumstances, and always seems to have a say on your outcome?  Obviously I haven’t.  No doubt, my attitude laid the foundation of our Sunday morning (starting on Saturday).  Mason was meeting us at church, since he had stayed the night with a friend.  McCray had decided to drop his brain in the toilet, which short circuited his memory into forgetting what he is allowed to wear to church and walked out to the car looking like we were headed to basketball practice.  “WHAT are you wearing?” is a sentence I learned not to waste my time on with boys, due to it never being answered with a good reason, but I relapsed.  I was stressed because my morning started with getting full out dressed (aka wash, dry, AND fix my hair…angels be near.) and load the car with all the fixings for Sunday lunch with it being my week to cook.

By the time we got to church, I felt as though I had fought my way out of a fierce swarm of bees, with some stingers still tucked inside my skin.  Irritation was written all over my body.  I might as well have been on a 24-hour college bender, because that’s how tired I felt.  Was the fuss even worth it?  It’s so peopley here today, with all these perfect families.  What did I just teach these boys with my attitude about them getting here to worship our God who is into simplicity?   Good grief, what a missed opportunity.

Then, we sang a song with the chorus that sings,

O church, come stand in the light.  The glory of God has defeated the night.”.

All the stings, given and received, and the past eighteen hours melted – like holy calgon, taking it away.  They say that hope begins when you stand in the dark, looking out at the light.  I believe hope is also realizing that our notion of a sanitized, perfect Christianity isn’t really what Jesus taught or intended us to strive for.  Hope is a whisper that says, “Come stand in the light beloved, no matter how dirty you feel.”

I had spent the last two days getting worked up that my boys didn’t have the right attitude about church or dress perfectly for church, that I missed an opportunity to attract them TO the church – the act of worship and the practice of filling your bucket.   Oh Martha, dear Martha, why do you have to show up here again?

When McCray was an infant, I started (note started, didn’t finish) the bible study, “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World”, based on the story of the sisters in Luke 10.  I not only identified with Martha, but I felt so sorry for her.  Everyone was being so hard on her, wanting her to be more like her sister.  Clearly Mary wasn’t going to cook, clean, and prepare for Jesus, so who did that leave?  Martha!  I want to have a pep rally for Martha, or create a power point explaining her perspective, because every time I read the story, I see myself in her actions and frustrations.

Martha, dear Martha, you’re fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing.  One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it – it’s the main course, and it won’t be taken from her.”  Luke 10:41-42 (The Message Bible)

There is no space for sanitized Christanity in transforming grace. Transformations are messy, yet grace can clean better than a Roomba and bleach.  Grace can easily tackle messy foundations and sanitized surfaces. Poor Martha’s wholehearted service got tangled up in sanitation while Mary did the good thing and sat at the feet of grace Himself.  Grace says to our Martha moments, “You are worried and troubled by many things, but choose the GOOD part.  Calm down and come sit down, right at My feet beloved.”

I think I heard grace also say, “Who in tarnation cares what that boy is wearing, we are aiming for his heart, not his fashion sense”.  I’m pretty positive I heard that whispered.  God is into simplicity.  Let’s join Him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 27, 2017 by