He had come down to live with me. And was hanging in my closet. On a hanger.
I don’t know exactly why, but my guess is I was hoarding him there to add to my collection of special occasion outfits.
He was there, but out of the way. Not an active relationship, but still there just in case. Kinda like a fur coat works for Texans, you don’t really need it but on the rare occasion you do, its great to have. I didn’t want to wear Jesus everyday, but on the rare occasions I desperately needed him, He came in clutch.
Seems to track.
In my dream, someone kept coming to get him and He would sadly nod, and start walking away with them.
Then I would yell after Him, “Wait! You can’t leave, you said you were always going to be with me!”
Jesus would put his head down, drop his shoulders and walk back to hang himself back up on a coat hanger in my closet. His face was sorrowful, his movements heavyhearted, and even though He wanted to spend his days walking alongside me, He knew I didn’t have the same desire. So He willingly stayed where I left him, collecting dust in my closet.
This happened several times.
Until I realized how wasted He was there and gently told him He could go.
I told him He had done his job. He had loved me well and taught me unconditional love.
I let Him go. I’ll never forget the mournful look in his eyes. His heart was broken for me, but He did as I ask.
I let Jesus go.
Rather than take Him out of the closet to clothe myself in Him every day. To be clothed in His strength, grace, dignity, and faith. For Jesus to live alongside me and not tucked away in a closet.
Why have I forgotten how amazing it feels to live life with coordinating footsteps?
I want to take Jesus out of storage, blow the dust bunnies off, and steam the coat hanger wrinkles out of his shoulders. Not just for His upcoming birthday celebration, but for always.
I hope the closet will remain a visual for me. I hope to look up to the place Jesus was hanging, take Him down, put Him on like the finest garment I own, place my hand in His and tackle every day together.
A personal intention this year was to spend more quality time with Life-giving friends. In the ongoing To-Do List, Number #8 was “Make a list of Life-giving friends” because I am efficient if nothing. It remains written as a reminder to notice the life-givers and to be one.
A favorite bible story of mine is of a few friends who carried their sick friend to Jesus in hopes of healing him. When they couldn’t get to Him due to the crowd, they climbed on up, cut a hole in the roof and lowered their paralytic friend to Jesus.
Can you even imagine what that scene looked like?
Bob – “The crowd is too thick boys, there is no way we are gonna get Sick ol’ Sam to Jesus.”
Larry – “Think guys, think!”
Merle – “Hmmm, think we could climb up on the roof?”
Mike – “And then what Merle? Stomp our feet? Climb down the chimney?”
Sick ol’ Sam – “Never mind guys, it just looks hopeless.”
But it wasn’t. These friends were cut from the find-a-way-or-make-a-way cloth. They made an opening in the roof and lowered their friend down. Because of their faith, the sick one was healed. There aren’t enough thank you notes printed for Sick ol’ Sam to write his gratitudes on.
Those precious life-giving friends. Those that will bring you to Jesus and lower you right into His lap, tucking you into His loving arms. A favorite visual prayer of mine is to do just that with those I’m specifically praying for – swaddling them into healing arms, snug as a bug in a rug.
Back to the friends on the hot tin (straw?) roof…
Can you imagine how much restraint it would take to be that close to greatness and not want a little healing yourself? “Mr. Alpha and Omega, would you mind looking at this irksome rash really quick?” I mean, look how fast Jesus healed Sam, surely He could simply wink and heal this tiny, itchy issue.
Years ago we went to Lake Tahoe for the Celebrity Golf Tournament. It is such a fun trip – mountains, a gorgeous lake, amazing weather, golf, and celebrities everywhere playing golf for charity. Jason Witten, my favorite Dallas Cowboy, was playing in the tournament and I was a tiny bit determined (obsessed) to get a photo with the big guy. I carried his jersey around in my purse just in case he had time for an autograph as well. Let me pause for a second and say, I am not the girl who embarrasses herself and others by asking for photos or an autograph. If I see a famous person, I get awkward and usually ignore them. I like my celebrities at a distance.
The week was ending, and I had yet to corner my boy Witten for a photo. Our group got photos with every other celebrity but alas, Jason was elusive. We followed his team on his last few holes and positioned ourselves to intercept him on the way to the clubhouse for a photo request. My partner at the time had the camera and a plan. He was going to stop Witten and ask if he would take a photo with me, my job was to be ready to step in and smile.
As Witten and his entourage approached us, my heart started skipping beats, my palms were tingling, and my face was on fire. I flipped my hair to lay just right, my lipgloss was poppin’…I was ready. As Jason ducked under the rope, my partner said, “Jason, could I get a photo with you?”, and then they both turned to smile at me to take the photo.
Of them.
I had to reach for the camera that was in his hand to snap the photo. I then watched, speechless, as my favorite Tight End walked away. And there you go folks, the real reason my first marriage ended in divorce.
It seems hard to control oneself that close to greatness.
There I was, waiting for my photo, and someone else got it. Had we been on a roof, I might have pushed him off of it rather than lowering him down.
Thankfully for the paralytic man, his friends stayed the course. They remained selfless for their friend’s healing, even that close to the most Divine and Holy being they had ever encountered.
I’m not comparing Jason Witten to Jesus. But if that’s how you read it, you might also suffer from Smitten by Witten syndrome. Jesus can heal that too.
Until then, let’s be life givers. Let’s breathe love and light into our people. May we be in each other’s corner, standing guard over our people through all their things….sadness, loss, pain, sickness, exhaustion, and life. Let’s carry each other to peace and healing.
*Mark 2:3-5
**Please let it be noted, while I am still working on forgiving my ex-husband for this unspeakable betrayal, we have remained friends and co-parent well.
Wide open spaces are balm to the unrested soul and a brain that doesn’t take a breather.
Last week I put my social secretary on probation, because she stinks. She is a people lover who wants to do all the things. She overcommits me, leaves zero breathing room between appointments, and runs an exhausting schedule that makes one want to fake their own death. Her only saving grace is she has learned some fires aren’t ours, therefore don’t need our irons in them. She just needs to learn to say a gentle “no thank you” more often.
Also, she is me.
You too?
A while ago I heard an analogy that I wish I remembered well. The gist of it is this…
Imagine all the magnets you have on your refrigerator, each representing an area of your specific life. Family, Friends, Career, Spiritual Life, Health, Exercise, Recreation, Hobbies, Causes you support, Relaxing, Emotional growth, etc. Add what you need to make it tailored to you.
Once you have all your magnets, move them all to the side of the fridge. Only 6 magnets can fit on the front of the appliance. Choose your Top 6 to reflect what you can focus on in this current season of life.
While you love all the magnets, you can only focus on the six on the front of your refrigerator. You are welcome to switch them out at any seasonal change, but only six can be front and center. Those are your current mainstays.
What if we committed to be kinder to ourselves, to honor the season of life we are currently walking through? A gentle no is so much kinder than a stressed yes.
One of my least favorite things about Motherhood, is the sinking feeling that as they are growing up, I am being broken up with. On a gradual, but daily basis. The kind of break up where it’s not you, it’s them. They think you are sweet, yet a tad simple minded. They are just going to back away a tiny bit each day, hoping that you’ll find a new hobby or even adopt a new kid to absorb some of the suffocating love bestowed.
I know this is part of life, it’s the exact season in which cuss words were invented, because it stinks. It’s bittersweet. It’s mentally exhausting reminding oneself that while the precious darling “knows it all”, his brain has not fully developed. It’s sad to see the finish line of this phase ahead. And yet, I love it. I love teenagers. I love our boys. And while the Titanic of childhood disappears into the ocean, I will share my raft and never, ever let them go.
Our full house is dwindling. Parenting teenagers and adult children is a whole different ball game from raising little ones. When they are little tykes, each day is 131 years long. When they are teenagers, it’s like stepping on the walking belt at the airport – life is lived at double time speed. You are just trying to balance on the moving belt, wistfully smiling over at the tiptoeing parents of toddlers and saying annoying things like, “The days are long, but the years are short! Enjoy!”
Raising children is like driving a car. Exciting, fast, slow, scary…all of it. The great thing about driving is that there are usually roads and lines to drive on and in between, guiding you where you are going. There is a steering wheel, blinkers, a gas pedal, and brake. Brakes are important here – when life gets fast, parents can pump the brakes. There are seatbelts and airbags to somewhat protect them. You can dial down the sound on the radio or specific friendships your children have. You have more control than when they are teens and adult children. As much control as you have while driving a car – not all the control, as accidents and blowouts sadly happen, but more control than you soon will have.
Because, if we are lucky….those little angel babies grow up.
Teenagers and then adults.
Parenting a young adult looks different. You are on different ground. In fact, you aren’t even on the ground. You are treading water, hope you can swim.
Parenting a young adult is like driving a boat. Climb on in. There are no roads, no lines, no concrete boundaries to guide your steering. There are no seat belts or airbags, just grab a life vest which resembles prayer. Most importantly, there is no brake. Zero. You have to measure and judge when you let off the gas accordingly, and “catch” the boat before you crash into the dock. Sometimes this works, sometimes not – it depends on who is driving and who is catching. There is a gas pedal to use. But again, no brake. Sometimes the depth finder shocks you at the level of your perfectly intelligent child’s thoughts, and you will burst with pride…only to be jarred out of it by unexpectedly docking on a sand bar. Sometimes you are rocked outside of the boat, simply treading water until you figure out how to get back in. Hold on to the life vest of prayer for extra security measures. A life vest can’t breathe life back into us, but it can keep us afloat with hope while things get worked out.
The scariest thing about large bodies of water is not knowing what is going on underneath. What is hidden, what is hiding, what should be avoided, predators, secrets, rocks, icebergs…it’s all there. Sometimes we don’t like the direction the boat is going or the passengers that are allowed on. Love, wisdom, prayers, and patience are huge here, lean into those. As parents, we only see what is on top of the water. If we pay attention, we can sometimes recognize the swirling of the current going on underneath. Other times, we are surprised by a sudden wave we didn’t see coming. Again, life vest of prayer – make sure everyone is holding on tightly. Grab two if needed.
While you are looking for land to dock for a bit, lean into friends who love your children well. Have a mentor or two that gives GOOD, REAL, and TRUE advice. Recently, seemingly stranded on a shallow sand bar with a child of ours, I texted my friend Marlo, who is a fellow boy-mom, out of exhaustion asking for advice. Her reply was to get to the heart of the problem rather than focusing on the issue and, “…love him through every step. Love him harder when he tries taking them two at a time. Even harder when he slips on one.”
Hold on to wise friends like those. Especially the funny ones who can make light of a heavy situation and help you look at it from a different view, rather than the tunnel vision that we can get lost in.
“Chaos can be beautiful if you love all your ingredients.”
How beautiful is that thought? Life is sometimes messy, we can’t always avoid the chaos or waves. However, the chaos isn’t as loud if you love all your ingredients.
Just keep showing up and driving the boat. The ride is worth it.
I like the Hallmark channel for the same reasons I like pretty Instagram pictures.It hides the hard struggles.We can sit and watch a pretty scene while we rest from the trial and pains from our very real lives. There is the slight danger of a comparison trap, but hasn’t everyone caught on that life isn’t going to always resemble Christmas Town, USA?While life isn’t perfect and our hearts sometimes crack, it can still be beautiful.
By the time Christmas Day arrives, I hope to have every single cheesy Christmas movie watched.Even though I will inwardly cringe at some (most) of them, they will overflow my reindeer antler cup with the Holiday Spirit.Just because real life holidays are not always Hallmark, doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy them.Dare I say perhaps even learn from them?
Christmas season is currently the sweetest season for me. However, there have been harder years of loss that haven’t been as sweet, if that is the case for you I offer you this;
“Give grace to your situation. May we see our sorrow, grief, and difficulties as they are, without trying to extract meaning or closure before their time has come.”
Be gentle with yourself, and give sadness room to breathe even as you wait for joy to come again. And know that the Prince of Peace will sit with you in your sadness, until you are ready to give it to Him to help heal. Continue Reading
