God always meant for you to hear Him with your personality.
It took me a long time to grasp that thought. I used to think that in order to be spiritually mature, I needed to be more serious. To be pleasing to my Creator, I was going to have to push down this ridiculous sense of humor, straighten my act up, and have the funny-bone of sarcasm surgically removed from my head.
When I became a mom at the age of 21, no one was more shocked than myself. I was making pennies as a legal assistant in Dallas. On a lunch break, I went to the doctor to see about the stabbing pain in my low abdomen. After listening to all my symptoms for about thirty minutes, we went in for an exam. Then came the ultrasound. The doctor pointed to a black dot on the screen and said, “Do you see this spot?” I raised up on my elbows, squinted and gasp, “Is it a tumor?!” He unsuccessfully hid a smile and replied, “No, it’s a baby.” (Turns out it’s painful for your uterus to stretch…who knew?)
I don’t remember driving home. I just ended up there, completely forgetting about the last half of my work day. I grabbed a white dress, and we planned a wedding. A few months later in my pregnancy, I went to change my last name at the doctor’s office. The nurse smiled and said, “Most first pregnancies only take about six months instead of the normal nine.” Please. I see what you did there, and I’m pretty sure we didn’t fool anyone.
As shocked as I was to arrive early into Motherhood, I adored it. I jumped in with both feet. I read the books, followed the rules, and even ironed that baby boy’s onesies, no lie. I adored my new roles. When I wasn’t ironing baby clothes, I tried to find my footing on exactly who I was and where I needed to be. I didn’t fully know, as I went from teenager to a mom in one hot second. This precious baby needed a godly mother that was stoic and treated life serious. And I was the gal who loved God and found humor in most everything.
The turtleneck phase….through many seasons.
The summer after he was born, I displayed modesty by owning every color of sleeveless, mock-turtleneck shirts. Seriously. There is only ONE picture in that time frame that I am not wearing a turtleneck. How I didn’t get tackled and thrown on a make over show is beyond me. I’m still disappointed in my friends. Friends don’t let friends wear turtlenecks in the heat of a Texas summer. The winter came and brought sleeves to my turtlenecks. I was trying to hide my body, because a big chest didn’t seem like it would be godly. Right? Even though I had zero input on how my body was naturally shaped.
Mason, with a look of shock….wondering why my neck is showing.
I started attending church again. When a bible study was offered, I signed up. At one point, I was in three different bible studies at the same time. I was ironing and studying so much that I didn’t leave time to apply. There wasn’t fruit being produced because I wasn’t watering the tree that I was, instead I was planting faux trees with leaves of wax. I believed this baby boy deserved for his Momma to be a better tree.
Straight and narrow. Because I snuck into this role the backway. I didn’t follow the correct steps, so by gosh, I wasn’t going to mess up now that I’m here. At my core, I believed that I wasn’t enough. I believed that I needed to push down everything that I was, in order to be what others expected. Push myself down and perform.
As you can imagine, this only works for so long before the cracks start to show. At one point in Mason’s elementary years, he went through a sassy stage with a really bad attitude. I was exasperated with this spicy child. A friend pulled down a message from heaven and gently told me that perhaps I was chosen to be Mason’s mom because I could handle it. Not the representative that I was performing as, but me. My authentic self was given the specific skills and tools to navigate and nurture this child. I was only fooling myself, my first born had caught on to me.
There are few things more painful than living a life that is not in alignment with who you are.
What I have found throughout the 17.9 years of raising that baby and his brothers is that our Creator never meant for me to hear him outside of who I am. He uses our own language to speak to us. And thankfully, God is into simplicity. I think it must grieve Him to watch us contort into something different than He constructed. We were made in an image to fulfill a specific destiny on this earth. Be you, because you are more than enough my friend.
When the boys were little, we had a birthday tradition of me tucking them in bed and telling them the story of the day they were born. They loved hearing it, year after year. McCray liked hearing how alert he was, his big blue eyes wide open, scanning my face. They liked being reminded of who they are, where it all began. The song lyrics to “Remind me who I am”, makes me feel like I’ve climbed into the lap of the One who designed me, listening to the story of the day I was pieced together. Asking Him to tell it, again and again.
“When I lose my way, and I forget my name, Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see, is who I don’t wanna be, Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places, when I can’t remember what grace is.
Tell me, once again, who I am to you, who I am to you.
Tell me, lest I forget, who I am to you, that I belong to you.”
Ah grace. Grace covers like a salve when we realize we need to course correct and get back to the original.
You are enough. You were created with a specific purpose. You were knit together with the most brilliant and beautiful colors. The formula mixed and poured into you was measured with careful precision. You’ve been planted, and watered with love and light. Who you are is so, so lovable. Sister, cut off the turtleneck, throw off the chains that are keeping you from being the authentic version. You are an original, a custom-made one and only.
Climb up in that lap to be reminded how your ears were perfectly and wonderfully made to hear Him, exactly where you are.
*The whole thought of this blog post came from Christa Black Gifford, at some point while reading her amazing book, “Heart made Whole”. I cannot take credit for getting there without her words of encouragement.