Browsing Tag

parenting

Family, Grace, Lessons, Love, Parenting

Glimpses of Glory

I’ve recently learned a secret.  Perhaps the last on earth to know.

Adult children still require parenting.

On one hand, I’m really thrilled about this, as I’m not ready to be done. 

On the other, I think it’s rude and a bit overwhelming.

In case your angels are still little, and you are thinking I’m horrible for having another hand of feelings other than joy, allow me to wearily continue. 

Parenting adults sometimes looks like this – 

Riding in the passenger seat, traveling at the speed of light.  Which turns out to be exactly 96 mph on the highway. Glancing over to notice your precious Man-baby is driving with his knees and looking at his phone anchored on the dashboard.  Instead of reaching for the ol’ faithful mom-gasp, you dig deeper for a calm voice and with white knuckles say, “Babe, you can drive 96 mph, and you can watch America’s Next Top Model.  But, you may not do both at the same time.”

Luckily, the end result is them rolling their eyes, pulling over and giving you reign of the wheel.  Because isn’t that what we are most comfortable with? 

On the other hand…Parenting adults sometimes looks like a glimpse of pure sunshine. 

Recently we met a large group of folks out for dinner.  We happened to have all children in town for the evening and told them to stop by and join us.  It was a casual dinner at a fun restaurant, where everyone can go order their own food at their own pace.  We were settled in for the long haul, relaxing and visiting with friends as the boys joined us one by one.  As they each came in our boys took their hats off, shook hands with the adults, made eye contact, smiled, and appropriate small talk.  Angels sang as their parents inwardly rejoiced, for on this night, all boys remembered the manners taught to them.

As the evening went on, I kept overhearing a guy at the next table quoting scripture to his friend.  A lot of it.  His quoting voice was a little sharp and hard.  He kept looking over at one of my handsome sons who has his own beautiful, unique style. This night’s attire could be categorized as “Homeless Chic” – an oversized t-shirt that could fit all the neighborhood children, shorts, layers of earrings and necklaces, complete with a bandana tied around his head as if he were about to head to an audition of the next Karate Kid remake.

I ignored the mans stares, figuring he was also a fan of Mr. Miyagi.  I mean, who isn’t?

Another one of our boys came in, kindly saying hello to everyone before sitting down to eat. This darling of ours is a huge Man-child.  He is 6’3” and works out like a beast. He also eats like one, reminding me often that I “don’t have to be hungry to eat” and other crazy things kids say these days.  

The man at the next table ramped up the scripture quoting as he continued to stare at our family.  This time I figured he was simply intrigued by the beautiful sleeves of tattoos down Man-Child’s huge arms, each one telling their own story.  Stories that belong to the sweet soul those muscles carry around.

We ignored that man all night.  His judgment, his self righteous bible quoting, the anger and irritation that radiated off of him, and the dirty looks he returned my smiles with.  We focused on the friends who found the treasures these boys hold. 

When we left, I couldn’t quit replaying the night in my head.  Then I got mad.

Really mad.  

And then I got sad.  

Really, really sad. 

I think the man believed he was doing right for the Kingdom.  I believe he was quoting scripture as he understands it.  I believe he was sticking close to his beliefs and faith, holding on to them with a clenched fist.  Gripping his beliefs so tight that Jesus slipped right out of his fingers, as there was zero evidence that comes from a relationship with our Gentle Savor..  None of the softness that comes from knowing Him.  No acceptance or love.

Jesus was present though. He was shining through all the decorations on our grown children. Their kindness. Their gentleness. Their willingness to drive in town, on their own gas, to eat with the parentals. Their obedience and manners.  Their love. Their acceptance of themselves and everyone else at the table, old or not.

If Jesus had come in to eat and drink wine on tap, I can’t help but think he would have chosen to sit at the boys table.

To answer the question that covered every bracelet and bookmark from the 90’s – #WWJD?

#HWLF

He would love first. He always does.

What if that is all we had to do? Love, above all things.

It would definitely free up more of our time to parent.

Apparently that job never ends.

*There is an adult pictured above that I do not parent. He has two parents that have raised him, Chad helped for a few years and I am simply an extra that gets to enjoy him. I am the mom in this house though, therefore sometimes he gets grouped in with the others.

**Photo By Marlo Collins

April 18, 2021 by
Family, Lessons, Love, Parenting, Patience, Priorities

Steering Wheels and Parenting

One of my least favorite things about Motherhood, is the sinking feeling that as they are growing up, I am being broken up with.  On a gradual, but daily basis. The kind of break up where it’s not you, it’s them.  They think you are sweet, yet a tad simple minded.  They are just going to back away a tiny bit each day, hoping that you’ll find a new hobby or even adopt a new kid to absorb some of the suffocating love bestowed. 

I know this is part of life, it’s the exact season in which cuss words were invented, because it stinks.  It’s bittersweet.  It’s mentally exhausting reminding oneself that while the precious darling “knows it all”, his brain has not fully developed. It’s sad to see the finish line of this phase ahead. And yet, I love it.  I love teenagers. I love our boys. And while the Titanic of childhood disappears into the ocean, I will share my raft and never, ever let them go.

Our full house is dwindling.  Parenting teenagers and adult children is a whole different ball game from raising little ones.  When they are little tykes, each day is 131 years long.  When they are teenagers, it’s like stepping on the walking belt at the airport – life is lived at double time speed.  You are just trying to balance on the moving belt, wistfully smiling over at the tiptoeing parents of toddlers and saying annoying things like, “The days are long, but the years are short!  Enjoy!” 

Raising children is like driving a car.  Exciting, fast, slow, scary…all of it.  The great thing about driving is that there are usually roads and lines to drive on and in between, guiding you where you are going.  There is a steering wheel, blinkers, a gas pedal, and brake.  Brakes are important here – when life gets fast, parents can pump the brakes.  There are seatbelts and airbags to somewhat protect them. You can dial down the sound on the radio or specific friendships your children have.  You have more control than when they are teens and adult children.  As much control as you have while driving a car – not all the control, as accidents and blowouts sadly happen, but more control than you soon will have.

Because, if we are lucky….those little angel babies grow up.

Teenagers and then adults. 

Parenting a young adult looks different.  You are on different ground.  In fact, you aren’t even on the ground. You are treading water, hope you can swim.

Parenting a young adult is like driving a boat.  Climb on in.  There are no roads, no lines, no concrete boundaries to guide your steering.  There are no seat belts or airbags, just grab a life vest which resembles prayer. Most importantly, there is no brake.  Zero.  You have to measure and judge when you let off the gas accordingly, and “catch” the boat before you crash into the dock.  Sometimes this works, sometimes not – it depends on who is driving and who is catching.  There is a gas pedal to use. But again, no brake.   Sometimes the depth finder shocks you at the level of your perfectly intelligent child’s thoughts, and you will burst with pride…only to be jarred out of it by unexpectedly docking on a sand bar.  Sometimes you are rocked outside of the boat, simply treading water until you figure out how to get back in.   Hold on to the life vest of prayer for extra security measures.  A life vest can’t breathe life back into us, but it can keep us afloat with hope while things get worked out. 

The scariest thing about large bodies of water is not knowing what is going on underneath. What is hidden, what is hiding, what should be avoided, predators, secrets, rocks, icebergs…it’s all there. Sometimes we don’t like the direction the boat is going or the passengers that are allowed on. Love, wisdom, prayers, and patience are huge here, lean into those. As parents, we only see what is on top of the water. If we pay attention, we can sometimes recognize the swirling of the current going on underneath. Other times, we are surprised by a sudden wave we didn’t see coming. Again, life vest of prayer – make sure everyone is holding on tightly. Grab two if needed.

While you are looking for land to dock for a bit, lean into friends who love your children well.  Have a mentor or two that gives GOOD, REAL, and TRUE advice.  Recently, seemingly stranded on a shallow sand bar with a child of ours, I texted my friend Marlo, who is a fellow boy-mom, out of exhaustion asking for advice.  Her reply was to get to the heart of the problem rather than focusing on the issue and, “…love him through every step.  Love him harder when he tries taking them two at a time.  Even harder when he slips on one.”

Hold on to wise friends like those.  Especially the funny ones who can make light of a heavy situation and help you look at it from a different view, rather than the tunnel vision that we can get lost in.

“Chaos can be beautiful if you love all your ingredients.” 

How beautiful is that thought?  Life is sometimes messy, we can’t always avoid the chaos or waves.  However, the chaos isn’t as loud if you love all your ingredients.

Just keep showing up and driving the boat.  The ride is worth it.  

February 20, 2020 by
Christmas, Family, Grace, Parenting, Priorities, Rest, Stillness

Peace, Christmas, and the Hallmark Channel

I like the Hallmark channel for the same reasons I like pretty Instagram pictures.  It hides the hard struggles.  We can sit and watch a pretty scene while we rest from the trial and pains from our very real lives.   There is the slight danger of a comparison trap, but hasn’t everyone caught on that life isn’t going to always resemble Christmas Town, USA?  While life isn’t perfect and our hearts sometimes crack, it can still be beautiful. 

By the time Christmas Day arrives, I hope to have every single cheesy Christmas movie watched.  Even though I will inwardly cringe at some (most) of them, they will overflow my reindeer antler cup with the Holiday Spirit. Just because real life holidays are not always Hallmark, doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy them.  Dare I say perhaps even learn from them?  

Christmas season is currently the sweetest season for me. However, there have been harder years of loss that haven’t been as sweet, if that is the case for you I offer you this;

“Give grace to your situation.  May we see our sorrow, grief, and difficulties as they are, without trying to extract meaning or closure before their time has come.”

Be gentle with yourself, and give sadness room to breathe even as you wait for joy to come again.  And know that the Prince of Peace will sit with you in your sadness, until you are ready to give it to Him to help heal.  Continue Reading

December 12, 2018 by
Brave, Character, Courage, Courage, Faith, Family, Fear, Grace, Hope, Lessons, Love, Parenting

The journey to a different pasture

I have hesitated in sharing the following writing for almost two years. One reason is respecting the privacy of my child and protecting the safe space to let him grow and mature. Another reason being I didn’t want to give a tiny handful of people the satisfaction of getting a glimpse into our lives. For now, that pride has been worked through and has been replaced by a healthier pride.  A mother’s pride. Continue Reading

July 11, 2018 by
Brave, Courage, Family, Gifts, Laughter, Parenting, Pause

Live This Day

May should come with a daily mascara alert.  Also, a personal soul cheerleader reminding you that you can do all the exhausting tasks this month throws on us.

I’m overwhelmed.  Which accurately describes every mother at the end of the school year.  But this year feels different having a senior. Because it is different.  It’s so different.  And dumb. I wish Senior year could have moved as slowly as his Fourth-Grade year – that one was a dousy.

My Momma-Heart is raw.  My brain keeps cheering me on that I can do all the hard things, while my heart is singing Meatloaf lyrics and informing me that it won’t do that.  It doesn’t feel like it can take one more last.  Not when there are so many things that I still need to tell him and teach him.  My friend gave the advice to have all the conversations and say all the things – so that keeps me up at night.  Only my darling isn’t too receptive when I pad my bare feet across the house to have a heart to heart, hoping he is awake as well.  Nor does he care about learning how to perform the heimlich maneuver on himself or the most efficient way to load a dishwasher.

I don’t want to brag, but I handle being overwhelmed like a champ.  In the case you need some advice on this so the rest of your May can be smooth, let me offer some tips that I find helpful:

  • I simply quit living.  I stop being proactive on my schedule and quit looking at my calendar in hopes it will stop time. It’s odd that this doesn’t work and only adds to the frustration of being overwhelmed with tardiness and lack of preparation.  But, keep trying it.
  • I mentally hit the snooze button on the household work and checklists that normally keep our life running smooth.
  • I don’t grocery shop until the natives start hollering that we are out of milk and “everything”.
  • I curl up in bed when possible, and stare at a lot of walls and even more piles of towels that are begging to be folded.  Towels are so needy sometimes. Fold yourself.

The biggest lie is that this will stop the inevitable from happening.  Time marches on, whether we are present for the moments or not.  The world doesn’t stop turning just because we are stuck in reliving our memories.  I’ve learned we miss a lot of sweet moments if we are staring into space thinking they aren’t happening.

CS Lewis tells us, “What you see depends on where you are standing”.  This is never more true than when your baby is about to leave the nest.  I stand behind him and see my handsome boy standing in a pile of beautiful baby feathers he has shed throughout the years.  He stands at the edge of our nest and sees his future laid out wide in front of him. It is sweet to watch him stretch his wings in preparation to fly, but the sweet is wrapped in a somber blanket of not wanting it to be over.

You may not have a senior, you might just be dealing with the other side of our current crazy – end of the school year crap.  Banquets, Recitals, Award assemblies, class parties, school parties, standardized testing…bless.  You just thought you turned in all the paperwork in September.  There is a whole ‘nother pile of summer camp signups for everything your child ever considered doing.  Then the darlings decide to take a growth spurt the last month of school and you’d better go buy them all the new clothes since their shorts are closer to the “booty short” description than “prep length”.  It’s enough to overwhelm June Cleaver, no wonder we get stuck in sensory overload.

While I can’t take out the calories of our emotional eating, I can offer this…

Pause Momma.  Say no to all the unimportant tasks that aren’t relevant to this short season.  Create margin for breathing so you can have the energy and strength to be present for living.  Live this day.

The towels might end up learning how to fold themselves.  After all….we did figure out how to put a man on the moon. I’m just sayin’….

May 11, 2018 by