A few months ago, I overheard a conversation while away on a girlfriend weekend in the Texas Hill Country. I had taken a phone call in the next room, and was walking back to join the gals when I heard them discussing the issue of having a favorite child, and if they had to choose one, which it would be. I was chuckling on the inside, and then I heard one of them say, “Which one would be Brooke’s favorite?” I stopped, wanting to hear who the lucky boy was. After a pause, another one answered with, “She doesn’t really have a favorite, she is pretty equal with all of them.”
It was the best and sweetest compliment I’ve ever received. Especially from those gals, as they know the good, bad, and ugly of me. We are all moms and two of them occupy the same boat I do – Bonus Mom. It is crazy that two of my best friends also married men who have custody of their children. We end up spending more time with our bonus babies than we do our biological babies. You will never hear me complain about this, I didn’t have children to get every other weekend off.
When Hubs and I got married and blended our boys, I did it without any hesitation. I have always loved kids and kids seem to love me, so I figured how hard could this be? After a couple of months into our blending I realized that being a Bonus Mom would teach me more about the patient side of love than anything else could. For the record, we do not usually refer to any child in our home as a Bonus Boy – but to save confusion and to make a point, for this post I will – besides, who doesn’t love an added Bonus?! Especially for extra credit.
I made several mistakes in our first year. A lot of them stemmed from the assumption that he chose me, when in actuality, none of our children chose to have a Bonus Parent. Hubs and I carefully chose each other. We were crazy in love, but more importantly – we trusted the other would value and love our child(ren), and made the decision to unite with that belief. Four years in, we know we have had it easier than some in blending a family. It has still been a learning curve. I rarely give advice, as I usually realize what an idiot I was yesterday – the following are lessons we’ve learned thus far.
Mistake #1 – I came in hot.
Lesson #1 – Don’t come in hot.
I laugh when I look back at my naivety. I mom so hard, so I just assumed my 10-year-old Bonus Boy got the memo that I was a good one. At first, I was confused that he had to warm up to me and figure out who I was, how I was going to change his life, and where I was going to fit in. Trust was earned slowly. Somedays were slower than others.
Forgive me for making the following comparison, but for me – everything is related back to animals. I’ve rescued a lot of animals. At the beginning of saving/adopting one, they are usually timid. Some have been abandoned or mistreated, and have trust issues. If I came in aggressive – even aggressively loving – they would shrink back or run and hide. Most of the time, if you just be yourself and sit still, they will figure out you are not a threat to them and eventually will warm up to you.
For my Bio Boys, they know mom is going to constantly hug and kiss their faces – I come in hot on a daily basis, since they were born. They had a head start on my Bonus Boy, who moved in and thought I had lost my mind. For years it had just been him and his dad (and an amazing grandmother, an Aunt/Cousin hybrid, and extended family), but now this crazy “Bonus Mom” was always hiding around the corner, grabbing hugs and planting kisses on his head whenever she wanted.
Word of Advice – CHILL. Walk into your new traditions slowly. Let them know you love them in small, subtle ways, I promise they will not go unnoticed. They are watching you, waiting for your crazy to come out, expecting your crazy to come out. Give them their space to learn and navigate this new journey, and show them the respect that you want in return.
Lesson #2 – You are not your Bonus Child’s disciplinarian
Thankfully, we had an amazing counselor give us this advice, and we followed it. In our house, the biological parent does the disciplining. While we have boundaries of requiring respect from all children, it’s not the Bonus Parent’s job to come down hard. I have watched this in other families and I want to immediately arrest them, take away the sweet label of Bonus Parent, and slap them with the Step Mom/Dad title.
Bonus Parents, please hear me when I lovingly say this – Unless that child does not remember a time without you in their life – meaning you have been there since infanthood – disciplining is not your job. I don’t care the situation, back off. Hand that responsibility back to your spouse, the biological parent. This requires A LOT of communication between the parents on how to handle specific situations that arise, but surely us adults can do that right? It is definitely a tight rope of supporting without overstepping, but you can do it.
We have not dealt with an outright disrespectful child. So, if that is your issue, I encourage you to seek a professional for advice. I just slept at a Holiday Inn Express last night, who am I to know? We have dealt with a cranky kid who has been disrespectful, in that case we fall back to how we would treat anyone who isn’t respectful in our house. Tar and feather them.
I’m kidding. We are clear on our expectations of respect and rules. Here is what is required in our home. Tone of voice is also important in any situation. Kids are not dumb, they are actually brilliant. They know if you like them, they know if you are pretending in front of their parent – if you aren’t being honest, they will take note. If this is the case, go gather yourself, do some soul searching and praying. I encourage you to simply realize that you are dealing with children, be loving. You can be a stern fist if you want and let everyone know you run the show, but you won’t earn their love with that hardness. Be flexible.
Lesson #3 – Be Fair
I don’t do everything right – but I am fair. What I do for one child, I will do for all. They have the same rules (or will, when they get to that age). I just want my tombstone to be honest, “She loved us in a big way, she was fair, and she leaves behind a big closet.”, so that’s how I live. I understand that not every situation has all the children living in the same house, which would create some creativity in equality. I can only give advice on what I know, and that is them being under the same roof. BE FAIR. If you let one do something, then sister (or brother), you’d better let them all. Don’t be sneaky either. Nothing makes me sadder or madder than watching kids be treated different or unequal. If you aren’t feeling that bond with your Bonus Baby, then FIGURE IT OUT. Fight for it. Find a common ground and build from there. I promise it is so worth it. When a teenager – bio or bonus – chooses to spend time with you, that is the biggest compliment of LIFE.
Lesson #4 – Do not talk negative about the other Parent.
This goes for EVERY PARENT, Bonus or Bio.
I don’t care what your opinion of their other parent is, it needs to be kept to yourself. If you and your spouse need to communicate frustrations behind a closed door – knock yourself out. But that baby better not hear it. Or feel it. And don’t be sneaky with the passive aggressive comments either. KIDS ARE BRILLANT – they see you, they feel every single comment. Because guess what? They are half that person, and if you are talking bad about their parent, they will internalize it as there must be something wrong with them as well.
My biological parents divorced when I was 8 months old. I didn’t hear many positive things about my biological dad until after he had died. My mom was young and didn’t know any better, but I felt every single negative comment about him. I didn’t realize this at the time, but what I did recognize was that it didn’t feel good to hear bad things about him. I don’t think I truly paid attention to how it made me feel until I was a divorced adult myself, and had to chose my words carefully, even when I was madder than a hornet. My biological parent’s situation was different than my children’s, and I know my mom had a lot of frustrations, they were just hard to hear.
I’m not saying you have to lie and sugar coat things about an absentee parent. If the child needs to talk, listen and validate their feelings. But don’t add your opinion or manipulate the situation. Divorce is hard enough for them to maneuver through, don’t add more junk.
Lesson #5 – You are not in competition with your spouse’s child(ren)
I’ve seen this enough times to say…STOP IT. That child was there before you. They need some quality time with their parent, alone, without you. Create a space for that to happen and support it. You are an adult, do not make a child feel that they are in competition for their parent’s time, love, and attention. “Anything that feeds a rivalry will corrupt your strength.”* Be an adult. Take the egos out of this and build a strong family.
In the end, kindness covers a lot. When in doubt, reach for kindness. We will never have all the answers, nor will we always know the right thing to do or say. In the beginning, it may seem that you will never get through all the hurdles – show them and yourself grace as you navigate through them. For those who do the work that someone else has the title for…show up as a safe haven, not a mini savior. No one needs a mini-savior, yet everyone could appreciate a safe haven.
Our Bonus Boys are definitely a bonus – they are little extensions of the spouse we chose and married. There is such a sweet side of loving a child that is shared with you, and being loved in return.
*Lisa Bevere