One of my least favorite things about Motherhood, is the sinking feeling that as they are growing up, I am being broken up with. On a gradual, but daily basis. The kind of break up where it’s not you, it’s them. They think you are sweet, yet a tad simple minded. They are just going to back away a tiny bit each day, hoping that you’ll find a new hobby or even adopt a new kid to absorb some of the suffocating love bestowed.
I know this is part of life, it’s the exact season in which cuss words were invented, because it stinks. It’s bittersweet. It’s mentally exhausting reminding oneself that while the precious darling “knows it all”, his brain has not fully developed. It’s sad to see the finish line of this phase ahead. And yet, I love it. I love teenagers. I love our boys. And while the Titanic of childhood disappears into the ocean, I will share my raft and never, ever let them go.
Our full house is dwindling. Parenting teenagers and adult children is a whole different ball game from raising little ones. When they are little tykes, each day is 131 years long. When they are teenagers, it’s like stepping on the walking belt at the airport – life is lived at double time speed. You are just trying to balance on the moving belt, wistfully smiling over at the tiptoeing parents of toddlers and saying annoying things like, “The days are long, but the years are short! Enjoy!”
Raising children is like driving a car. Exciting, fast, slow, scary…all of it. The great thing about driving is that there are usually roads and lines to drive on and in between, guiding you where you are going. There is a steering wheel, blinkers, a gas pedal, and brake. Brakes are important here – when life gets fast, parents can pump the brakes. There are seatbelts and airbags to somewhat protect them. You can dial down the sound on the radio or specific friendships your children have. You have more control than when they are teens and adult children. As much control as you have while driving a car – not all the control, as accidents and blowouts sadly happen, but more control than you soon will have.
Because, if we are lucky….those little angel babies grow up.
Teenagers and then adults.
Parenting a young adult looks different. You are on different ground. In fact, you aren’t even on the ground. You are treading water, hope you can swim.
Parenting a young adult is like driving a boat. Climb on in. There are no roads, no lines, no concrete boundaries to guide your steering. There are no seat belts or airbags, just grab a life vest which resembles prayer. Most importantly, there is no brake. Zero. You have to measure and judge when you let off the gas accordingly, and “catch” the boat before you crash into the dock. Sometimes this works, sometimes not – it depends on who is driving and who is catching. There is a gas pedal to use. But again, no brake. Sometimes the depth finder shocks you at the level of your perfectly intelligent child’s thoughts, and you will burst with pride…only to be jarred out of it by unexpectedly docking on a sand bar. Sometimes you are rocked outside of the boat, simply treading water until you figure out how to get back in. Hold on to the life vest of prayer for extra security measures. A life vest can’t breathe life back into us, but it can keep us afloat with hope while things get worked out.
The scariest thing about large bodies of water is not knowing what is going on underneath. What is hidden, what is hiding, what should be avoided, predators, secrets, rocks, icebergs…it’s all there. Sometimes we don’t like the direction the boat is going or the passengers that are allowed on. Love, wisdom, prayers, and patience are huge here, lean into those. As parents, we only see what is on top of the water. If we pay attention, we can sometimes recognize the swirling of the current going on underneath. Other times, we are surprised by a sudden wave we didn’t see coming. Again, life vest of prayer – make sure everyone is holding on tightly. Grab two if needed.
While you are looking for land to dock for a bit, lean into friends who love your children well. Have a mentor or two that gives GOOD, REAL, and TRUE advice. Recently, seemingly stranded on a shallow sand bar with a child of ours, I texted my friend Marlo, who is a fellow boy-mom, out of exhaustion asking for advice. Her reply was to get to the heart of the problem rather than focusing on the issue and, “…love him through every step. Love him harder when he tries taking them two at a time. Even harder when he slips on one.”
Hold on to wise friends like those. Especially the funny ones who can make light of a heavy situation and help you look at it from a different view, rather than the tunnel vision that we can get lost in.
“Chaos can be beautiful if you love all your ingredients.”
How beautiful is that thought? Life is sometimes messy, we can’t always avoid the chaos or waves. However, the chaos isn’t as loud if you love all your ingredients.
Just keep showing up and driving the boat. The ride is worth it.