Browsing Tag

friendship

Happy Gilmore Grief

“Maybe it doesn’t matter whether something is a coincidence or a sign, maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can. And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them.”

I pulled out of my neighborhood one morning recently, to see two guys in the pasture across the way making erratic movements with their bodies. I kept watching, trying to figure out if they were fighting, dancing, or having synchronized seizures. After a bit I realized they had golf clubs in their hands, one was teaching the other how to swing like Happy Gilmore.

I had to smile. Our friend Brad had the Happy Gilmore swing down to an art, it was one of the first things Chad experienced when meeting him on the golf course the day of our wedding. I teared up and drove off with a wistful smile.

Brad left this world last fall and we all miss him so deeply it physically hurts. The weeks after he left were the saddest of my life, I saw him and felt him everywhere. I started writing down all the “Heavenly Hugs” that we got throughout the day because I never wanted to forget them or second guess the miracle of them when looking back later in life.

The day of his funeral services, I arrived a few hours early. After sitting in an empty parking lot for a bit, I got the courage to go inside and ask if I could see him. Walking up to his casket in the quiet room, I swear I could hear him chuckling at me in his good natured way, knowing I would do this.

“Did you make it to heaven okay my friend? Why did you have to get there before the rest of us?”

They say you can drown in two inches of water, it doesn’t have to be a flood, but water steadily flapping at our ankles. Grief seems to be the same. Grief can drown us, yet doesn’t kill us. It keeps us submerged for long enough that we forget what air and sunshine feels like. Grief sets it’s own timeline, and the only way out is through.

On the drive out to our family Deer Camp, there are huge piles of sand that have been there for some time. Deep crevices, and gullies have formed in the hills. I think that is what a grieving heart looks like. Withered and dehydrated as it is enduring the hardships of bad weather and the scorching sun.

Desolate.

After Brad’s service, several of us went to find dinner. We ended up at a hole in the wall Mexican food restaurant (later learning it was Brad’s local favorite). We gathered around the table, somber and quiet. We slowly started reminiscing and telling stories of our beloved friend. Laughter ensued at the sweet memories of a childhood well lived.

Crevice by crevice, our hearts have slowly plumped back up. Never to where they were before, but instead of craters there are the cracks that heartbreak brings. We linked arms and grieved together which makes it closer to bearable.

The worst days ahead were watching his family live without him. His beautiful, beloved wife holding her head high as she has to go on raising their boys who they love so fiercely. His daughter and sons, figuring out how to continue to live without their biggest fan having an earthly voice.

We have learned how to honor Brad the most by continuing to live. We continue to live, laugh, love, and learn because his time doing that here has passed. They say grief is the receipt of how much you love a person. If that is true, we would do it all over again. It was worth it. I would only have loved deeper and wider.

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Brad Haugen. Thank you for all the love and lessons. Thank you for your friendship. Life is moving at a rapid speed, and yet you still manage to get our attention and make us smile. All the way from heaven. I hope you’re showing someone up there how to perfect the Happy Gilmore swing.

*Recently Brad’s oldest son celebrated the end of 5th grade with a Bon Voyage celebration. They dressed up in Hawaiian shirts, Eli asked to wear the one he got his dad for his birthday last year. When I saw Vanessa’s post, I immediately thought of a favorite picture of Brad and their boys. I know he is so proud of all of them.

**Quote from Reminders of Him by Colleen Hoover

June 20, 2022 by texturedsoul

Friendship, Grace, Priorities, Uncategorized, What is saving your life

Life Giving Friends

A personal intention this year was to spend more quality time with Life-giving friends. In the ongoing To-Do List, Number #8 was “Make a list of Life-giving friends” because I am efficient if nothing. It remains written as a reminder to notice the life-givers and to be one.

A favorite bible story of mine is of a few friends who carried their sick friend to Jesus in hopes of healing him. When they couldn’t get to Him due to the crowd, they climbed on up, cut a hole in the roof and lowered their paralytic friend to Jesus.

Can you even imagine what that scene looked like?

Bob – “The crowd is too thick boys, there is no way we are gonna get Sick ol’ Sam to Jesus.”

Larry – “Think guys, think!”

Merle – “Hmmm, think we could climb up on the roof?”

Mike – “And then what Merle? Stomp our feet? Climb down the chimney?”

Sick ol’ Sam – “Never mind guys, it just looks hopeless.”

But it wasn’t. These friends were cut from the find-a-way-or-make-a-way cloth. They made an opening in the roof and lowered their friend down. Because of their faith, the sick one was healed. There aren’t enough thank you notes printed for Sick ol’ Sam to write his gratitudes on.

Those precious life-giving friends. Those that will bring you to Jesus and lower you right into His lap, tucking you into His loving arms. A favorite visual prayer of mine is to do just that with those I’m specifically praying for – swaddling them into healing arms, snug as a bug in a rug.

Back to the friends on the hot tin (straw?) roof…

Can you imagine how much restraint it would take to be that close to greatness and not want a little healing yourself? “Mr. Alpha and Omega, would you mind looking at this irksome rash really quick?” I mean, look how fast Jesus healed Sam, surely He could simply wink and heal this tiny, itchy issue.

Years ago we went to Lake Tahoe for the Celebrity Golf Tournament. It is such a fun trip – mountains, a gorgeous lake, amazing weather, golf, and celebrities everywhere playing golf for charity. Jason Witten, my favorite Dallas Cowboy, was playing in the tournament and I was a tiny bit determined (obsessed) to get a photo with the big guy. I carried his jersey around in my purse just in case he had time for an autograph as well. Let me pause for a second and say, I am not the girl who embarrasses herself and others by asking for photos or an autograph. If I see a famous person, I get awkward and usually ignore them. I like my celebrities at a distance.

The week was ending, and I had yet to corner my boy Witten for a photo. Our group got photos with every other celebrity but alas, Jason was elusive. We followed his team on his last few holes and positioned ourselves to intercept him on the way to the clubhouse for a photo request. My partner at the time had the camera and a plan. He was going to stop Witten and ask if he would take a photo with me, my job was to be ready to step in and smile.

As Witten and his entourage approached us, my heart started skipping beats, my palms were tingling, and my face was on fire. I flipped my hair to lay just right, my lipgloss was poppin’…I was ready. As Jason ducked under the rope, my partner said, “Jason, could I get a photo with you?”, and then they both turned to smile at me to take the photo.

Of them.

I had to reach for the camera that was in his hand to snap the photo. I then watched, speechless, as my favorite Tight End walked away. And there you go folks, the real reason my first marriage ended in divorce.

It seems hard to control oneself that close to greatness.

There I was, waiting for my photo, and someone else got it. Had we been on a roof, I might have pushed him off of it rather than lowering him down.

Thankfully for the paralytic man, his friends stayed the course. They remained selfless for their friend’s healing, even that close to the most Divine and Holy being they had ever encountered.

I’m not comparing Jason Witten to Jesus. But if that’s how you read it, you might also suffer from Smitten by Witten syndrome. Jesus can heal that too.

Until then, let’s be life givers. Let’s breathe love and light into our people. May we be in each other’s corner, standing guard over our people through all their things….sadness, loss, pain, sickness, exhaustion, and life. Let’s carry each other to peace and healing.

*Mark 2:3-5

**Please let it be noted, while I am still working on forgiving my ex-husband for this unspeakable betrayal, we have remained friends and co-parent well.

April 26, 2021 by texturedsoul

Books, Courage, Friendship, Gratitude, Growth, Laughter, Makeup, Rest, Stillness

What is saving your life right now?

Barbara Brown Taylor has made a practice of asking others and herself that question often*.

Salvation is a word for the divine spaciousness that comes to human beings in all the tight places where their lives are at risk, regardless of how they got there or whether they know God’s name. Few of us can choose our circumstances, but we can choose how we respond to them. To be saved is not only to recognize the alternative to the deadliness pressing down on us but also be able to act on it.”

This morning when I awoke, I started a list. Shallow and thoughtful. Spiritual and materialistic. Here is what is saving my life right now. Continue Reading

February 20, 2019 by texturedsoul

Family, Friendship, Gifts, Laughter

The Sanctuary of Twisted Words and Tied Tongues

The other day I got a phone call from the guy doing glass work on our shower remodel, informing me he was headed out to the house. I wasn’t going to be there, so I began to tell him that we had also decided to re-do the mirrors in the bathroom and asked if he could take a look and give me a quote of cutting them down. We were chatting about the kind of driftwood frame I was planning to build around the mirrors – the construction and heaviness of it, etc. I told him that I would have to send him a pic of what I had in mind to create, because basically I was just gonna “free ball” it. There was a pause on the other end of the phone and the sound of an uncomfortable snicker. It took me a full minute to realize that I had combined two thoughts: eye ball it and free hand it. Instead, he now probably wonders about my anatomy and is certain of my lack of underwear.

It’s in these moments especially, silence is golden.

The inspiration for our “free-balling” mirror. Found on Pinterest.

I think this could be genetic, as I believe most people have their act more intact than myself or my sisters. We are always calling each other, mentally dying at the foot we just put in our mouth. A few years ago, the baby sister worked at a bank back home, which entailed sometimes answering phone calls. One day she picked up the ring and professionally said, “First State Bank, how can I help it?” Realizing her mistake, she corrected it to, “First State Bank, how can I help YOU help it?” Still determined to fix this she said, “First State Bank, how can I…..Oh, this is Kelsey.” On the other end of the line, the President of the bank, calling from the main branch sighed and said, “Let me talk to Shelly.”

Silence is golden, so are phone skills.

She can’t be blamed really. Being the youngest sister, we set her up for failure of speech, as everyone else in the family spoke for her. I’ve just learned to stop doing this a year ago, and fully plan on having some relapses. Big sister habits are hard to break. When she was in kindergarten, a parent of her little friend called the house to schedule a play date and asked for “Mrs. Mouse, Kelsey’s mom”. After some confusion, they determined that they did call the right house, but had the wrong name. We later figured out that Kelsey had told the friends at school her name was Kelsey Mouse. A clear misunderstanding, as we had only been inserting her name into the Mickey Mouse song for 5 years: “K-E-L…S-E-Y M-O-U-S-E, Kelsey Mouse….Kelsey Mouse…”

Bless her confused, silent self.

A while back we hosted our beloved friends, Amy and Kyle’s wedding reception on our back patio. The baby sister was staying with us at the time and was a huge help in assisting the decorators and caterer. After the reception got started, she did what she was best at and snuck away to her bedroom, hiding from all the people, because sometimes life is just too peopley. It was a beautiful evening, Amy and her party planner did a perfect job at turning the back porch into a gorgeous place to celebrate one of our favorite families blending and growing.

As the night came to a close, the few who were left here all congregated in the kitchen, eating leftovers and recalling the events of the day. Baby sister emerged from her room and one of the guys said, “Hey Kelsey! Were you back there napping?” Sweet sister shyly smiled, gave an awkward laugh and said, “Sometime.” Singular. Neither party knew exactly what to do except awkwardly stare at each other. The best part of watching the interaction was Kelsey’s full commitment to her reply. She knew she had given a random, weird answer, but instead of correcting herself with a “silly me”, she just smiled and stared back until he walked away confused.

Michelle, our dear friend was also in the kitchen that night. Her family had recently moved away – a devastating loss to our hearts and neighborhood. Amy and I both missed her terribly. Michelle is the life of a back-porch party, always thinking up fun games like our yearly talent show, telling the kids campfire ghost stories, making us laugh as she acts out her most recent hilarious tales. Michelle has big blue eyes that seem to get bigger when telling a story, she talks with her whole body, and when she tells a story you feel like you were literally there. It’s a gift that keeps on giving.

Michelle, Amy, and I – Photo by Aurora Henry

Once they got settled into their new home, Michelle set out on some job interviews, one being at a private school. She felt pretty good about how the interview was going as she sat in a lone chair, across from the entire Board, answering all their questions like a professional champ. Nearing the end of the interview, one of the Board members asked if her family went to church, and if so, where they attended. Michelle wholeheartedly nodded and replied that they did indeed. When he repeated the question asking where her family attended, she thought fast and replied, “Lady of the Lord.” Still nodding, eyes huge, she was fully committed to her answer and church – all in.

Michelle does not fabricate stories, just churches. In her defense, they had just moved to a new city with new churches with weird names. In that weird, new city, not one church was named “Lady of the Lord”, however there were two Catholic churches that they planned to visit, one had the word “Lady” and one had “Lord” in it. Sometimes we have to create our own spaces.

When Amy and I heard this story, we howled. We laughed until we cried at the visual of our precious and hilarious friend sitting in a chair, facing an entire board of a private school, eyes wide, head nodding, stoically telling them with assurance that she attends a church in her head.

Ah, but the Lady of the Lord church does exist, as it is now the name of our back-porch sanctuaries. Appropriately titled and truly one of the most peaceful churches that I’ve ever attended. We are ladies of the Lord, He comforts us through the friendship of each other, speaks to us through sounds of nature, and shows us love by the gift of a safe place.

God in us, among us, and for us.

Even when our tongues are tied, our words are tangled, and our lives are sometimes twisted. He knows our hearts are for Him, and I imagine even has to sometimes shake His head and simply chuckle.

*Featured photo by Asher Creek Photography.

November 6, 2017 by texturedsoul

Family, Friendship, Gifts, Grace, Hope, Laughter, Love, Prayer, Renewed

Friendship – The Real Stuff

For the times in life where I have struggled to catch my breath, friendship has served as my inhaler. Stressed? Better call the besties, because friendship can literally breathe life back into a weary soul.

Learning how to breathe is in direct response to calming my spirit. Calming my spirit is in direct response to letting things go, and accepting that there are just some things I cannot control. Who wants to live like a fish out of water, not knowing where their next breath is coming from? This is called anxiety – the feeling of standing on unstable ground. During these shaky moments is when we reach for support.

Recently, our family went through a true crisis. I sent a text out to my friends asking for prayers and advice. They recognized that I was at my capacity for handling the situation, my spirit was stretched and about to bust. What friendship did in that moment, is show up. Showing up isn’t always literal, but it is always emotional. Sometimes it’s driving two hours to sit with you at the hospital, a phone call, a simple text checking on you or a funny meme to lighten your mood. Friendship is the scaffolding that supports and holds us up during the rough patches.

A gathering of friends for my 30th birthday…just a few months ago. Or 9 years. Same.

We were made to represent the love of God for our people here on earth, that each person we journey with may have a deeper understanding of God’s love for them. It has been said that we are all just walking each other home. I couldn’t love that thought more, healthy relationships remind us of the goodness of God, by bringing more divine into our lives.

Friendship can never be authentic unless you are honest and vulnerable. True friendship is the real stuff – not the artificial sweetener that attempts to taste like the real stuff. True friendship is the pure cane sugar of life -messy calories and all. When you find that tribe member, the building of a friendship begins. Growing up, I never had a clubhouse, but this is how I picture the home of friendship. When one shares something vulnerable, it’s as if she is handing you a brick to add to the building of the clubhouse. You, in return, share or confide by handing her a stone to build on. This goes on, in no specific time frame or rhythm, and one day you look up and realize your clubhouse is built. It’s not a perfect clubhouse made of one single material or straight lines, but it is beautiful. It is a place for both parties to be nourished under the shelter of friendship.

When one shows up for another, it’s like having a decorating meeting inside your well-loved clubhouse. Pitchers in hand, ready to pour into whichever soul needs it at the moment. If you look for fault in your friends, you will find it. We are all human. But if you continue to only look for the lovely, that’s what you will see. If one can’t be there today, be thankful for the one who is. They all have their own purpose in your life. Your friendships will show up in all different ways, like a gorgeous rainbow.

There are few things better than a can’t-catch-your-breath-laugh with girlfriends. Recently a group of us drove south to hear a beloved author, Jen Hatmaker, speak at the Austin Bass Concert Hall. Afterwards, we walked outside to wait on our requested Uber. We stood out front, waiting on Thor, chatting about where we should eat dinner. I glanced up and saw Jen Hatmaker herself walking out of the building with her entourage, I really wanted to run and tell her specifically what her writing has meant to me, then I remembered the chapter called “Fangirl” in her latest book. She encourages us to fangirl Jesus and our friends instead of famous people who we don’t know. Inwardly, I rolled by eyes, whispered “fine”, and turned back to fangirl my gals.

Perfect timing, as a minivan pulled up, the driver got out and the automatic minivan doors opened. What service Thor, you have earned yourself a rating of Uber excellence young man. As Kristy and Patricia started to get in, the side door jammed while in auto mode, which caused a constant dreadful sound, kind of like a possum was stuck in it. All four of us looked through the car to the driver, who was standing by his door just staring at us. “Sir, what’s wrong with your door?” Blank stare. “SIR, can you come fix your door? Something is wrong with it.” At one point, Marlo pushed through the other two and started trying to shove it open while saying through clenched teeth, “Oh. I. got. this!” – a word for each shove. Resolved that we weren’t climbing in on that side, we all went to the drivers side, got in and was buckling up when a random lady came over and said, “What have y’all done to the door?” Not knowing who she was or what business she had in our night, we stuck to the Stranger-Danger rule and ignored her, continuing about the task of getting into our Uber. Stranger-Danger-Lady wouldn’t give up with the questions though. Sweet Patricia just kindly smiled at her as the rest of us ignored her. She said something like, “This is my car.”, Ugh, lady…go away. In really slow talk so she would understand and quit asking questions, we replied, “No ma’am, this is our Uber, Thor is our driver.” Done with the shenanigans she yelled, “THIS IS MY *&$%ing CAR and you broke my door!” She was further thrilled when we sat there staring at her, as the situation took some time to soak in. The situation of mistaking the valet guy for Thor, our Uber driver. No wonder the Thor (who wasn’t Thor) just stared at us without words when we ask him to please fix his door. Just as we climbed into the poor sailor-mouth-lady’s car, we piled back out. Back out into the rain to once again, to wait for our Uber – in the Valet line.

To be clear – the next car we got into was the correct one – Cliff’s car. Which sounds a lot like Thor…

Send kindness out in big, generous waves, send it near and far, send it through texts and e-mails and calls and words and hugs, send it by showing up, send it by proximity, send it in casseroles, send it with a well-timed “me too”, send it with abandon. Put out exactly what you hope to draw in, and expect it back in kind and in equal measure. Sow seeds of affirmation and goodness and grace into others, and you will reap the devotion of well-loved friends.” Jen Hatmaker – Of Mess and Moxie

Put simply – it takes being a friend to have a friend. I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum. My first years into adulthood were some of the loneliest. I was in a growth gap, past who I was and not yet grown into who I was becoming. I don’t like the thought of growing out of a friendship, I’d rather be grateful for the season that we had it. Not all relationships will make the duration of your journey, some are just meant for a season.

Pay attention to those who show up in big and little ways. Pay attention to those who support you, who defend you, who encourage you to rise above and be better in this moment. Surround yourself with honest and loyal people, those who know when to push you and when to encourage you to pivot. Nurture your friendships, show up for your people, love on your tribe, and preserve that beloved clubhouse – it can always use another brick or decoration. We cannot do life alone, we were made to connect.

Life is brutal and life is beautiful. The brutal doesn’t break us because the beautiful sustains us.”

October 30, 2017 by texturedsoul

Older Posts